Huge.

This week has just been, to say the least, huge. We'll start with the 25th, Christmas!

It was a great Christmas. We filled each other's stockings this year and that was beyond fun. We watched Mr. Krueger's Christmas, Joy to the World, The Nativity, and so on. It was just a simple and nice Christmas as a family. I loved every minute of Sacrament meeting and the day was just so wonderful. It was definitely the best.

Then on to the 26th. I worked my first 8 hour shift. That was a LONG day. haha But I loved it, it was busy and fast paced. I definitely like my job and felt so thankful to have the opportunity to work the season. Then, like I talked about before, I found out that I was permanent! So I love my job even more. haha

Now the 27th was a HUGE day. I am house sitting so I've been over night there since Christmas. Well I woke up early to go get my hair done with my Mom. She was already going over there so I was going to run home, get my hair pictures haha, and meet her over there. So after I got ready, fed the dog, and whatnot I got ready to head out. They said I could use their car while they were gone so I was going to just use it to go meet with my Mom. So I started home and I didn't get too far before I seriously had the scariest moment of my life. I was going straight and then I just then I saw a car, just barely, coming at me to my right and then it was like the loudest silence before the huge crash. I got hit with the air bag, the seat belt saved my life (I swear by it.), and it was the biggest crashing noises all around me. I had NO idea what to do once that air bag hit me. I was just scared, I was sobbing, literally sobbing and I never do that, and I was shaking SO hard. I was sitting there yelling, 'Oh my gosh' over and over again. A minute later, a cop was opening my door to get me out and out of the intersection.

I pretty much made it to the sidewalk and collapsed in shock. I was saying, 'its not my car', 'I don't know what to do' and so on. Then a lady that lived on the corner came and just held me. She called my Dad for me and everything. She was like my guardian angel right in that moment. She held me together and when my Dad got there I was just so happy to see him. I did go to the hospital because I got a huge burn thing from the seat belt/airbag, my chest was just killing me, bruises on my hips, my nose hurt, my lip was slightly swollen, and my knee was also hurting.

Well, after everything is said and done, the family wasn't even mad I basically totaled their car. I was safe and I haven't been very sore...I even went in to work today (the 29th). I was a little light headed at work from lifting but I was blessed to get a couple of breaks. I just have no words to explain what went through my mind at that moment when I got hit, I don't have enough words to say how thankful I am, I just...am thankful to be here and be so blessed. I just have been keeping a sincere prayer in my heart about everything.

So then, yesterday the 28th, was my birthday. I am now 20, OFFICIALLY an adult. Let me tell you...It feels good. I actually can feel a difference. Maybe its just because I have been through so much as a 19 year old that I feel like I have grown more in the past year than I ever have before. This is huge to me. It really is. I had a great day with my family. We went shopping, went out to dinner, and then came home to watch 'Cowboys and Aliens' while eating cake. I blew out 20 candles yesterday and I couldn't be more excited to start a new chapter in my life. Here is to being 20. Here is to everything. Here is to not taking one moment for granted. He has blessed me in this past year with so much strength and I made it. I couldn't feel happier about that than I feel now.

Until then.

Official.

I had another day where I just felt truly thankful and happy. I was working a long shift today and was told that one of the leaders wanted to see me. So, I finished with the guest and then went to go see what was going on.

Prayers were answered, I am officially a permanent Target employee!! (: I am so beyond excited. It may not be the "best" job but I think its a great job for me. I love it! I love that Target hired me and gave me that oppotunity to prove myself to be a good worker. I am thankful that I have a steady job now. Its a wonderful feeling knowing that I will be saving money for school and for all the things I need. I just feel....responsible and a little more independant.

So, thank you Target. haha This was like an amazing Christmas/Birthday presesnt! :D By the way, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. This is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

Until Then.

Chances.

I love when that moment comes where its not worth it to make things up anymore or hide anything or deny it. I love heart to heart talks. I love when the only thing you care about is being honest and its now or never.

In life, we are sometimes blessed with second chances. A second chance to mend a friendship, say what our heart so longed to say before, be a better person, and so on. These second chances don't come easy or often though...thats why they are a blessing and when they come, you better be honest. Be honest with yourself and the others involved.

Life is about taking risks. Its about finding yourself and finding another to complete you. Its about being honest, especially to those that mean the most to you. Its all about the little things. Its all about being willing to take a chance when you've got it.

So here is to taking chances, taking risk, and living. Live everyday the best you can. Live with your whole heart, a sound mind, and a strong soul. Live to enjoy the journey as you endure to the end.

Until Then.

Again.

So here we go again, with issues dealing with school.

Well. I just want to talk about my desire to go to a 4 year university. This has always been my dream...my goal. I am so sick of people saying to me "looks like you're just going to have to swallow your pride and go to RCC". First off, that is NOT the reason I don't want to go there. I have heard nothing but drama come out of that school. Takes too long to register, getting no important classes, being there longer than necessary, etc. I just have no desire to go there and it doesn't FEEL right. Now that I got that out, I feel like I can tell people that straight up when they tell me things like that.

I don't want to be defensive or bitter because these trials to just get INTO a school are somehow making me into a stronger person. I keep being disappointed but I'm learning thats life. When one door closes you gotta find the other one that opened. I appreciate advice but I do not appreciate being talked down to or told what to do...that only pushes me away.

On another note, I hope all the guys in my life know that I've got their backs. I am so thankful for their friendship more than any friendship with the ladies in my life. That may sound harsh, but I just connect so much better with them and love how they don't 'backstab' or just talk behind eachothers backs all the time. Its nice! haha I appreciate the fun loving, drama free attitude they all have and I think we could all use a little more of that in our lives.

Well this year is almost over. Its time to make new goals, look back on the year, and dream about a new fresh year.

Until Then.

Kindness.

Being kind and caring is simple and are traits we should all strive to have. In our day-to-day lives we have so many opportunities to show kindness towards others and it is up to us to go the extra mile.

Today I took my best friend comfort in the form of his two favorite things, IBCs and Yorks. (: haha Something so simple but when someone knows they are being thought of and mean enough to someone to be cared for, it has the possibility to mean so much. So my message is simple, be kind. Be kind to your family, to your friends, to even strangers, to everyone. Being kind and caring can radiate simply from a smile. Like I said, it doesn't take much. It just takes a willing heart to take the time to be there for another, to care beyond what they show to the world, to be kind to those who walk among us.

We are all here to be tested and tried. We all have bad days, we all have hard times, and we all feel the weight of the world on our shoulders some days. So lets help each other out. If someone is down, care enough to talk to them about what they may be going through. If someone has lost that spark in their eye, throw them a smile. If someone is going through a difficult time, be close to them so you can catch their tears and be that shoulder to lean on. There is so much that we can do for others and the best thing is that its just this: simple. Don't complicate it, just be kind and care.

Until Then.

Up.

"I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down..."

- 'Down' by Jason Walker.

I always say how perfect music is and how it just tells the story of each of our souls. It tells the world what our hearts are saying and everything we want to say. Music is life and I usually never go a day without it.

With that said, of course I have been listening to music on Pandora all morning. This song came on and I've heard it before BUT this time, it seemed to hit me really hard. It seems like every time I try to get out and chase my dreams, I fall back down and start to drown. Its been an up and down roller coaster with everything.

Well, even through all the struggles, I'm learning to still get back up and just shoot higher. Its hard to feel things like rejection, disappointment, pain, and heartache but unfortunately that's life. However hard those feelings are though, they show us how wonderful the feelings of pure joy, love, and happiness are. Those feelings are what we so desperately want to feel in this life, I know I always strive to be happy and make others feel the same. As much as I try, I can't stop the bad times from coming. All I can do when they come is to go with it, "roll with the punches"...go with the flow.

Life can be disappointing. When you get your hopes up and it doesn't go right. When that perfect guy finds someone who is not you. When you lose people who are dear to you. But you know what? That is when we grow the most. That is when we are becoming stronger individuals. THAT is when we are becoming thankful for all the happy times and good feelings. We learn to appreciate everything more when we've learned what its like to lose it all.

I'm writing this because I don't want to fall and drown. I want to continue to get back up when I fall. I want to keep getting stronger. I want to shoot for the stars and one day reach my dreams. I want to inspire another to never give up. Do not give up on people, on your hopes and dreams, and NEVER give up on yourself. We are all worth do much more than what this world tells us. We need to be driven. We need to be compassionate and help others along the way. We need to always get back UP when we have fallen...no matter how hard or trying that may be.

Until Then.

Missing.

Days like I've been having just make me miss my best friend even more. I miss the hold-me-tight-until-I-felt-completely-better hugs when I needed them after a hard day or sad news.
I never thought missing someone could be so hard. I have missed people before, but this is somehow different. I never thought that AFTER the goodbye would be harder than the actual goodbye...and that was the hardest goodbye! There is only like one other person that I have ever missed like this too. I miss hanging out doing nothing but talking. I miss our beach trips, spa nights, and our top of the mountain nights. I miss just laughing at nothing and being complete spazzes. haha

Most of all, and the reason I miss my best friend a lot today, is because he would understand exactly how I am feeling and he is one of the only people that could make me open up and talk about whats going on. He would know what to say and what not to say. He would make me feel better. He might sugar coat the hard truth but thats what makes him different. He wouldn't just shoot down how i'm feeling. He would make sure I knew the truth but in such a caring way that just made sense to me. More importantly, he would just make me smile by the end of our conversation and not make me feel like I was bothering him or like he was trying to bring himself into the problem because thats usually why I don't talk about things to people, I don't like being a bother or a downer.

I just miss that guy. In case anyone is confused, I just miss my best friend. Its hard having him gone as well as a few of my closest friends too. Its definitely wierd being at this age where they all leave and so I can't wait to be at the age where they return.

I swear, the letters just don't come fast enough and 2 years sure can feel like forever some days but I know its for the best. AND we can still be there for eachother through those slow but great letters.

Until Then.

Nowhere.

So, Saturday was rough. I never thought work would be the best part of my day. Well you know when they say that if you bottle everything in eventually you'll hit the wall where you've had enough? I have kinda hit that wall lately.

Without getting into any details, the fights with a certain individual were escalated and I ended up grabbing my purse with work clothes and walked out. Walking has always been something I turn to, to calm down. It was so hard to be in that situation though because I honestly felt like I had nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to calm down...I was alone and had not a clue what to do.

Besides the fight, that's what hit me the most, I had nowhere to go and I didn't want to go back to where I had been. I so desperately want out. I wish more than anything that I was out on my own. Well, through all of this, I have seen the Lord's hand in my life. He has blessed me through some pretty hard times. At that moment when I was walking and confused with nowhere to go, I just prayed and prayed for comfort, a sound mind, and a forgiving heart. He helps me at the most trying times. He helps me to not feel completely alone or afraid, when I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to here.

Well until I am out of here, I am just going to figure out where I can turn to and where I can go when I need time to get away.

Until Then.

Thanksgiving.

Well, I liked the idea of posting at least one thing each day to be thankful for on Facebook and so I did that this year. (:

This was my day-to-day list:

Day 1: I'm thankful for my family. I don't know what I would do without them, I would do ANYthing for them, and I'm glad I get to be with them for eternity. Love you guys. ♥

Day 2: I'm thankful for my friends! From new friends to my best friends. (: I'm thankful that I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life to help when they need it, to love, and to share wonderful memories with. I hope I've been a great friend to all of you guys as well. I'm thankful for friendship. ♥

Day 3: I am thankful for the sun, for summer, for 90 degree heat, etc. BECAUSE if it was cold and rainy like this all the time...I would surely die. haha I need the sun.

Day 4: I am thankful that I have finally been hired somewhere! It’s been a long wait. So, I can't believe in just a short time I will be working. AND this means I can save money for school and get a phone. :D

Day 5: I am thankful for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm grateful for being brought up in the gospel and to have a strong testimony. I know the church is true, I know the Lord is always with me, and I know I am a stronger person being a Latter-day Saint. (:

Day 6: I am thankful for laughter. I wouldn't be able to make it through life without it. (:

Day 7: I am SO thankful for letters that bridge the gap between me and some of my best friends. ♥ Even in hard times, there is always something to be thankful for.

Day 8: I am thankful for music. (: I love the way music gives you chills because its so good, the way music calms you, when you relate to a song, when every time a good song comes on and you say "I LOVE THIS SONG!" haha and songs that have lyrics exactly like the words you so desperately want to say out loud. ♥

Day 9: I am thankful for photos, especially one like this one. At the time, it may be annoying to keep taking pictures BUT I have never regretted taking too many. They hold so many wonderful memories and people I would never ever want to forget. ♥

Day 10, Veterans Day: I am thankful for our service men and women! How blessed we are to live in this great land with the freedom we have...freedom that we have because people have fought for it. Thank you to those who have served, are serving, and who will serve. My prayers will always be with you. ♥

Day 11: I am thankful for a blog. (: Not just a blog, but for writing in general. Being able to write well has been a blessing in my life.

Day 12: I am thankful for prayer. I'm truly thankful for the power of it and how it lifts my spirit when life just brings me down.

Day 13: I am thankful for all the wonderful people that support me in all that I do! Thanks everyone. (:

Day 14: I am thankful for my new shoes! :D haha I love them.

Day 15: I am thankful for band-aids!

Day 16: I am thankful for grilled cheese sandwiches. :D Well food in general. Haha

Day 17: I am thankful for...PASSING my driving test!! SO excited to finally have my license. :D

Day 18: I am thankful for the outdoors. Nothing better than an open dirt road, a peaceful lake for fishing, the sound of the ocean and warmth of the sand, the breathtaking view after a long hike, clear blue skies, the change of colors in the leaves... (:

Day 19: I'm thankful for being able to chill with good friends after a long day at work. (:

Day 20: I am thankful for SLEEP. haha

I stopped at Day 20 (obviously. haha) So, here is the rest.

Day 21: I am thankful for the knowledge of the life here after, The Plan of Salvation. It brings me peace knowing I will someday see each person I have lost in this life and my beautiful animals.

Day 22: I am thankful for my home. Its surely a blessing to have a roof over my head and a place to feel safe.

Day 23: I am thankful for Facebook. haha For many reasons other than something to pass the time.

Day 24: I am thankful for showers. :D

Day 25: I am thankful for the Christmas Season coming up!! I'm especially thankful for the music and service that comes along with it. ♥

Day 26: I am thankful for my new calling in Primary.

Day 27: I am, specifically, thankful for the BEACH.
 
Day 28: I am thankful for heart felt conversations. Conversations that are worth remembering, that help situations, that heal, and that make everything better... 

Day 29: I am thankful for my family I don't always see. My Grandparents are my heros, I look up to my Uncles even if they aren't doing things I would do...I respect them completely, for my younger cousins for stealing my heart everytime I visit, and for the family I won't see again until after this life.

Day 30: I am thankful for trials. Through the trials I have become stronger and through the struggles I've really learned to appreciate everything more.  

There is so much to be thankful for and I have learned that even more this month. I am truly thankful for everything in my life from the good times to the bad. From the easiest of times to the most challenging. Life is a beautiful struggle and everyday is a new day to see what there is to be thankful for. Never lose sight of that.

Until Then.

Yours.

Okay, so I'm just trying to gather my thoughts so this post will make some sense. I apologize ahead of time if I just ramble on. haha

SO! Some exciting news, I am now a licensed driver as of November 18th. (: Although I do not have a car of my own its nice having that and feeling like I've accomplished a little more this year. Also, work is going good! I really enjoy it...even when it is boring I feel productive and its nice.

Now...I shall ramble. haha So the feeling of letting go has just been something I've been thinking about for some time now. Especially, the letting go of someone. That someone could be a friend, someone you love but doesn't love you, a past love, and so on. But you know what is possibly harder than actually letting go yourself? Seeing someone ELSE struggling to let someone go. Seeing them have a battle within themselves about whether or not to let someone go even when that someone has hurt them over and over again. I think that is the hardest thing and I will tell you why.

It is harder because letting go of those people in your life or realizing those people are not coming back is such a personal thing. You cannot help someone with that trial. You can give them advice, your opinion, whatever but its all up to them. I know this because I've been there. So I know how it feels and I know how other people try to help.

Letting go is just one of the hardest trials. Its emotional, its difficult, its personal, and its deep. An old saying goes, "if you let someone go and they don't return to you...they were never yours. If you let them go and they come BACK, they have always been yours and will always be yours." I've always heard that but never really quite believed it and now...I know it to be true.

So always keep your faith in someone else alive BUT also know just when to let go and when you let go, be sure of it but don't doubt yourself. Let go with all your might and heart. Just remember that old saying and you'll be just fine. We are definitely all in this together.

Until Then.

Work.

Just a short post! Man, I can't believe I am officially working now! It is so exciting. I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received throughout my job search and now as I have a job.

So work today went well! It was my first day. (: I did some training, then shadowed someone being a cashier, and THEN opened my own lane and did it myself. This is proving to be a good first job for me. I get to interact with people, it goes by fairly quickly too, and its just good. It is hard sometimes being a cashier, there is so many things to remember and so many people to keep happy! haha But it'll all go well, I just know it.

Prayers are answered ladies and gentlemen. It doesn't always feel like it and sometimes we feel so lost and alone BUT it just takes time. Everything works out when it is supposed to.

Until Then.

Inside.

I may look all put together. I may have a smile on my face. I may even be laughing. I may not look like I have a care in the world...but that is just what I am good at...putting on a brave face when inside I am screaming. On the inside I am stressed, I am worried, I am afraid, and I am falling apart.

Its so hard to be so close to someone but at the same time so distanced. Its hard knowing you can't make them tell you what is going on in their head. Its hard not being able to help them. But you know what else is hard? Giving up on something you've held onto for so long.

You go through your days probably hardly thinking of me. You probably don't even think that as long as we have known eachother I have always been here for you. You probably don't even know that I have missed you like crazy. You. Have. No. Idea. You used to talk to me about everything and now you keep secrets from me. I don't know what I did wrong. I guess I am just not her. I am me and I just don't have what it takes I guess. I feel like you meant the world to me and now I'm just invisible to you. I don't matter and that is the worst feeling.

I don't want to give up on you. I want you to know that I am here and my arms will always be outstretched towards you. We're getting busier now and it feels like we're just going our seperate ways. I hate it...I just want to put my arms around you and tell you everything is going to turn out just fine and I'm here. I want you to know that life is hard but you are stronger. I want you to believe that you can be happy and you don't have to be heartbroken anymore. I want you to know you can come to me if that isn't possible and you need someone to open up to. I'm not a mind reader. I need you to talk to me.

I thought I meant more to you....I thought we had a better friendship than what is going on now. I am hurt for being shut out but more than that, I am worried about you.

On the inside, I am falling apart but on the outside I am staying strong for you. I hope that one day you can see that.

Until Then.

Freedom.

The Final Inspection

The Soldier stood and faced God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, Soldier,

How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To My Church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,

"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,

That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,

Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,

Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,

It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,

Where the saints had often trod.

As the Soldier waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, you Soldier,

You've borne your burdens well.

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell."

- Unknown.

I have ALWAYS loved this poem and so I found it very fitting to post on this Veteran's Day. (Well, I didn't get on soon enough so I am a little late.) I am so thankful for those who have fought so that we may have the rights and freedom that we have today. I am thankful for those who are willing to risk their lives so that I may lay in bed at night and sleep safely. I am thankful for the men and women who are serving, have served, and will serve. 

Today has been a great day. Donated blood with my Dad, spent time with my family, then went out to dinner with friends, stopped by a wedding reception for a friend, and then hung out until we decided to call it a night. All those things I was able to do today just made my point. Without freedom, those things would not be possible. However, thanks to those who have fought for US...it is. 

Blessed are those that are courageous enough to take on such a grueling challenge. Those who serve will forever be my heroes and I thank each and every one. Thank you. 

Until Then.

Wishes.

I think at one point or another, we have all wished on 11:11. Not only have we wished on that but we've wished on eye lashes, wishbones, birthday candles, shooting stars, dandelions, and so on. We are full of wishes. LIFE is full of opportunities to wish for something.

I think wishing comes close to the beauty of magic. As cheesy as they may sound...its true. I believe wishing reminds your heart of what you are dreaming for. It makes you think about what you REALLY want. This is why, because in that moment where you are thinking of what to wish for all your thoughts may start forming and  you think "I need more wishes" BUT sometimes, something beautiful happens. Sometimes, when you go to wish for something just one thing pops in your head. When that ONE thing pops in your head you know that is what you really want. When you see what you really want then you can see...that is what you need to go for.

Wishes are just supposed to come true, right? That is what we all think and then we get disappointed when they don't. Well maybe the reason they don't just "come true" is because we need to make them happen. We need to go for what we wish for. We need to believe that what we want is possible. Whether it be a person we wish for or an acceptance in to school or the cool new car or whatever...we need to go for it. We need to make our wishes come true.

So here is to believing in the magic of wishes but also to making our wishes come true. Reach for your dreams. Never give up. Keep wishing. Life is hard but know you are stronger. Know your hopes, your dreams, and your wishes are all within reach if you just believe...and make them happen.

Until Then.

Don't forget to make am extra amazing wish on this day, 11.11.11 at 11:11. <3

Lessons.

Life is full of learning experiences. Full of lessons to be learned. We learn those lessons through the hard times, in good times, when we are ready for them, and sometimes we learn them when we least expect it.

Just a short list of important lessons I have learned:

1. People change.

2. Sometimes people just stick around to get something out of you...then they leave.

3. Over-thinking can make things more painful than they actually are.

4. Always be yourself.

5. Don't stray from your path, no matter how tempting it could be.

6. Its okay to fall apart sometimes.

7. Pray always even when you don't feel like it...that is when you need to the most.

8. Stand up for what you believe in.

9. Smile, even when you want to cry.

10. Everything happens for a reason.

11. Life is tough but I am tougher.

12. Sometimes the right path is not the easiest but it is ultimately worth it.

13. We remember the moments not the days.

14. Don't hold yourself back and don't let any one ELSE hold you back.

15. Your dreams are yours, that means you must make them happen.

Well another lesson I have finally learned is to not make someone a priority when to them you are only an option. It has taken me a while to learn that because I make each person, especially my closest friends, my biggest priorities. They all know that too. Well lately, there is a friend in particular who I think highly of and I care for this person as a great friend. I have come to know one of the worst feelings I think we could ever feel. The feeling is this, when the one person that could make you feel so important one day makes you feel SO unwanted the next. Its a terrible feeling.

I just miss this person, who this person was, and the worst part is having this person close by and feeling like this person is millions of miles away. Well, I have done my part. I have learned I cannot do everything. I cannot make this person talk to me, I just can't. I can only go so far...until I am stretched to the limit and that is how I feel, stretched. So i'm done. I have a new mantra: "Close your eyes, clear your heart, let it go." 

If this person comes back to me as my best friend, I will be over joyed but as of now, i'm letting go. Another lesson to learn is sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go...but it is the RIGHT thing to do. It may not make sense, it may hurt, it will NOT be easy but one day it will make sense why it had to happen that way.

Until Then.

Letters.

I swear, missionary letters always come when I think I need them the most. First, I really want to talk about the one from Hermana Lia.

So, Lia is one who knows about basically everything I have gone through and am currently going through. Well, at a point in her letter she said this, "...I'm so proud of you for being so strong with just about every single person you love going out to serve the Lord! I truly believe that Heavenly Father knows how supportive of a person you are, and because of that, you have so many friends who are serving missions who are gonna be using your strength and support to keep them going. Actually, I have no doubt about that. So with that being said, you're gonna be the source of saving so many souls! So thank you, so much."

I read that and almost just broke down. To hear all of that coming from HER was amazing. I look up to her so much and for her to say that she is proud of me was a big deal. Then when she said that I was a source of strength for everyone I support out there in the mission field, it definitely made me think. Like, I sometimes will break because I miss them all SO much it hurts. However, I will never tell them that because I want to always stay strong for each one out there. I want them to lean on ME when they need to. So I was just floored to hear all that from her...and she thanked me! I always thank her for what she is doing! So it never occurred to me that being supportive, which is just how I am, could be such a blessing for them. It was definitely nice to hear a different perspective even when I don't feel I deserve so much praise and such. I just love her and am so thankful to be so close to her.

Now, I got home LATE but I really felt like I needed to get the mail. So I threw my shoes back on, grabbed the key, ran myself to the mailbox, ran back, and then looked through the mail to see a letter from my best friend, Elder Ryan. (: Hearing personally from him was the best. He is doing so well! (Besides having the flu.) One of many amazing parts of this letter was when he bore his testimony in the language he is learning. I was so filled with the spirit when I read it in his new language and when he translated it for me in English. The Lord is truly with him and in everything he is doing. When you can feel the spirit reading a letter and a testimony in a language where you can't even try to pronounce the words...you know how true the gospel is. Its truly amazing to hear all about his experiences and to see the growth in him...especially, when he hasn't been out there for a LONG time. Amazing! Truly amazing. It is such a blessing to have letters as a way of communication and a way to hold on to friendships as distance comes in-between. 

I'm filled with nothing but gratitude for missionaries, their service, their letters, and their love. What a blessing it is to be touched by their spirit. I know that what they are doing is truly the Lord's work and that so many people will come and have come unto Christ through them. Through our support they are uplifted to continue the Lord's work to bring forth the gospel to all the world. So stay strong everyone. Missionaries, friends of missionaries, and especially the families that send out these wonderful missionaries. Remember always that, missionaries leave their families (and friends!) for a little while, so that others can be with theirs for eternity. Let us always remember that, remember to see the bigger picture, and remember to be supportive even when its hard to have them so far away.

Until Then.

Open.

Well, I feel like so many people trust me enough to know that they can open up to me about ANYthing. Then I sit here and realize how I do not do the same to anyone. Its not that I don't trust anyone, because that isn't the case, I just have never been one to be all open to sharing how I am feeling and such.

So here we are and I'm just feeling as if I need to open up. It may not be to just one particular person but I have always found writing to be an escape. I guess you could say its kinda like therapy. When I sit down to write, my mind is going and words start just flowing. I get captivated by knowing that writing is such a release for me. So, I will continue writing...always.

  

Now all the truth that I have been holding in. I am the kind of girl that stays smiling at all times, I don't like crying, I come off strong, and probably looks like everything is just perfect. Well, let me just say, my life is far from that. When I go through hard times, I don't show it to the world or even those who are closest to me. I don't like to bring others down when I am down. That is just who I am. However, that doesn't mean I don't feel like others do. I feel so much, so deeply, and that is why I try to just stay strong.

This year has been tough. The goodbyes have been SO hard. I won't lie. I won't even pretend on that one. Saying goodbye, or 'see you later', to some of my best friends definitely took a toll on me. Going through those made me feel so alone even though I wasn't. It was just a shock each time the time came to let go of each person. I haven't just struggled with those goodbyes. I have struggled through so many emotions that its insane. Not having a job or being in school has just made me feel as if I was going no where or I was doing something wrong. Like I said, I have been going through a lot. I've been really low at times but just kept going.

Through these hard times and many others, I have just broken completely down at points. It was during those times that I prayed to my Heavenly Father so fervently. I truly know what it means to go to him with a humble heart and a contrite spirit. I was so broken and lost that going to him was the only thing I knew to do. I know that He is always with me and that he will NEVER ever leave me. Not only did I feel like that, I felt like when I couldn't bear to go on, that is when He carried me.

He carried me. Such a simple phrase but to me it hold so much meaning. I believe that all the hard times I have gone through have made me into a strong person. I am able to make it through anything especially when I have the Lord by my side.

So there is my point, that I can make it through anything. It may be hard but overall it is ultimately worth it. On the 1st of November I went in for an interview at Super Target and came out with a JOB. (: That is my exciting news! I'm just so thrilled and thankful. My prayers have been answered and it is an amazing feeling. I'm still slightly in shock. haha So I have been in a great mood since then. With that I have a new attitude about me. I'm not holding back. To some people I am a shy person, but I won't be anymore. I am going for what I want and I'm giving everything my all.

I feel like I have come a long way and I'm happy. I'm happy with who I am and where I am. All things take time and I truly see that more so now than I have ever before. Life is a crazy roller coaster and my ride is just taking off.

Until Then.

Wants.

So I find that just as you are wanting to go to sleep is when your brain decides to go crazy and think of EVERYTHING. So here I am, well I was just thinking about all the things I want or would like to happen. (There is a lot.)

I want:

- A job...money saved.

- Time to slow down and speed up when desirable.

- To get out of this city.

- To be in school.

- Answers to questions that stay on my mind all the time.

- To hug my best friends again.

That is just a short list because really, who likes listening to "I want, I want, I want"? No one. Thats why I don't talk about it often and it just sits up there in my mind all the time. So anyways, there are things on that list that are unrealistic at the moment (or ever. haha) and there are others that I can achieve and go for. I have learned that you may want one thing and recieve another and THAT is the Lord's work in your life.

He gives us what we NEED and not necessarily what we "want" or would "like". He gives us trials and such to make us grown and become stronger. It is when we get through those times, that we will either get what we want or in most cases realize that those things weren't as important as we once thought. It is in those times we become the most humble and become more like Him. We grow through Him giving us the things he knows we actually need and that in the long run will make us happier and better people.

He always knows whats best for us, even when we can't see it for ourselves. We just all need to have more faith in Him and His plan for us. I'm learning that more and more every day.

Until Then.

One more time...for Elder Taylor.

Saying goodbye to not one but TWO friends in one day was no good. haha Well anyways, Taylor's turn.

"Hi, I'm Taylor and I like to party." hahaha This is how Taylor introduces himself and I'm gonna miss that! Anyways, I met Taylor back in Dance Festival days as well. Oh those were some good times. We've become so much closer since then and I am so thankful for that. Its been awesome hanging out all the time, visiting him at Walmart, making smores at the top of a mountain, dancing crazy at YSA dances, our Utah road trip, and everything in between. By the way, Taylor also gives great hugs! haha So good that it definitely made me cry when we said our goodbyes today.

Well Taylor, I can't believe its time. But I know how long you've waited to leave so you're super excited and that is wonderful. I don't think Argentina knows whats coming to them! haha I love your fun loving attitude. You have so much knowledge in you about the gospel and its so great that you get to share it with others so that they may feel the joy you have. I love that you're always so willing to help anyone that needs it, that will definitely come in handy! Always know how strong you are because you are one of the strongest people I know. You always know what to say and how to say it...whether it be serious or funny. You're wonderful! I hope you do all that you're meant to out there and that you will always know what to do. I hope you learn all that you are supposed to and always teach along side of the Holy Ghost.

Just remember what you've been taught and hold tight to your testimony. You're going to be just great out there! I know you'll be an amazing missionary and can't wait to write to you. See you in 2 years. (:

Until Then.

Elder Ryan.

Another soon to be missionary, another goodbye, another blog post. I never thought I'd be doing this for Ryan!

There is just so much to say. We've only known each other for a year and a half or so but it feels like SO much longer. We have had some great times and during those great times became best friends. Ryan is one of those guys that you can instantly just click with and that's what we did. He has trusted me with so much and has been there for me as much as I have been there for him. He also gives the best hugs! Just saying. haha So anyways.

 

Now to you specifically, Ryan. This is one of the best decisions you've made yet! I'm so proud of you and the fact that you have decided to serve a mission. (: You are THE best. I'm serious. I'm not just saying that as your best friend, I'm saying that because you are. You always are thinking about others and care so much for everyone. I love how close you are to your wonderful family. (By the way, I hope they know I will be visiting them often. haha) You're kind, loving, and strong...all great traits to have in order to be an amazing missionary. I have no doubt that through your strong testimony and gentle ways that you will touch many lives. I pray that you find all the people you're meant to find to bring to this gospel. I am thankful for al the memories we've made. From times as simple as F.H.E. to the B.I. to YSA dances (and our "prom thing") to just hanging out in parking lots and the big ones like our road trip to Utah or Wild Rivers. Thanks for always being there when I needed you most. You say that 2 years will pass by quickly, lets keep going with that. haha Because I'll be missing my best friend often. Between everyone, you win the prize for being the hardest goodbye. haha FORreal.

So, stay strong out there. Remember who you are, that you have a purpose, and that you're meant to be there. Who knows, there could be someone RIGHT now just waiting for you. That is an exciting thought. (: Just remember all the support you have through family and friends AND especially your Savior...and your Heavenly Father. When times get tough, and they probably will, remember that. Everyone is here for you, just a letter away or just a prayer away. Well, I will write you once you get to the MTC and can't wait to hear all about your experiences. Take care and see you in 2 years.

Until Then.

Utah Road Trip Part 2!

On we go. (:

[[Pictures are coming! AGAIN, I am having issues with this blog website. /:]]

October 1st: So, since I had the bedroom to myself...I woke up last. haha I had an alarm set but that didn't do much. I am definitely a fan of the snooze button. I want to say I finally got up and out close to 10. So I missed a bit of the morning session of conference. For breakfast there were sticky buns (I think that is what they were called. haha) and eggs. It was very good. After breakfast, the 5 of us got ready for the afternoon session of conference. We left around noon, drove there, and parked. (the parking took a while.) As we were parking Ryan realized he had forgotten his ticket! Brian didn't have a ticket either so they were just going to stick together and either hang out outside or try to get a ticket. OK, so here is the fun part, I wore stiletto heels...and we had to WALK a while. Oh my heck, I sure hope you sensed my sarcasm in the "fun part"...it was not the smartest idea. BUT in my defense, I didn't know what to expect. haha We met up with everyone else that had gone up in separate cars and after some pictures walked to the conference center. The line was pretty long but it went by pretty quick. We got in there and the size of the conference center is INSANE! SO huge. I was purely amazed. Well, somehow we got to sit right up front on the side. It was pretty sweet to be so close. Now. Here is my favorite part of the day, as we are standing there chatting, taking photos, laughing, and whatnot all of a sudden the whole mood in the room changed. The prophet, Thomas S. Monson...was walking in the same room as all of us. How amazing. The silence was unbelievable. I had the chills and it is seriously the closest I have EVER felt to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, being in the presence of a living prophet. Amazing. Shortly after, David got a text from Ryan saying they found tickets and next thing we knew, they were sitting right next to us. (: Prayers are answered! It was seriously the best conference and it went by SO quick for me! I just wanted to keep hearing talks. haha

When all was said and done, we all left and headed towards temple square. We took a LOT of pictures and then decided we were all hungry. So...we walked to Carl's Jr. My feet were KILLING me but I don't like to complain so I silently went with it. haha It took us a while to get there because we were going the wrong way for a while. Finally. We arrived at Carl's. After eating, my guys went to Priesthood meeting and I went with everyone else. We went to this mall place and walked around. (by the way, Shelby let me borrow flip flops. SO thankful for that. haha) Then we drove back to Provo to a friend's apt. Hung out for a while and then went to Sammy's. The guys met us there shortly after. They left and I was with my guys and Chelsea again to enjoy 'pie shakes'. haha I personally think that is seriously the best way to eat pie since I don't like pie. haha Also, it was freeeeeezing out there and I was still in my church clothes. haha So Ryan let me use his jacket so I'd stay a bit warm. When we finished our fries and shakes, we headed back to "home". When we got there the other 3 guys were leaving and I guess I was supposed to have the bed upstairs...but I gave it to Ben and stayed downstairs with everyone. Taylor took the bed I had the previous night and went to sleep. So it was just me, David, Ryan, and Brian. David fell asleep shortly after while we stayed up. I don't know why but everything Ryan and Brian said just made me laugh! haha So we just stayed up laughing, talking, and having a great time. Finally, we all fell asleep around 3 in the morning.

October 2nd: Well. It is sad to say that we totally slept through the morning session of conference. We just had no will power to get up. haha When we finally got up we just had to hurry and get ready to go to be up there in time for the afternoon session. This time, I had extra clothes if I wanted them and FLIP FLOPS. haha I took my heels to change into once we got to the conference center. That was so much better. It didn't take us too long to get up there, park, walk to the center, and sit in there. We had balcony seats this time and we were a little late, so the prophet had already came in. Again, it was an amazing session that went by took quickly. (I'll have another post with just some notes I took during the 2 sessions.) Chelsea had planned for a picnic with us and her roommates, so we stuck with them after. We were trying to think of where to have it and thought about traffic as well. So, I suggested the Provo temple. It was good all around and we left to go there. Once we got there we had a nice picnic with delicious sandwiches. Chelsea's roommates left and we wanted to still walk around the temple grounds, so we did just that. WELL! Here is the exciting part! We saw Greg! Elder Greg Jordan. It was CRAZY! He is at the MTC right now. Seriously the best part was seeing Taylor's face! He was way more excited I think than the rest of us (and we were pretty dang excited.) It was hard though...because I couldn't hug him. :P All I could do was shake his hand. So we chatted with him a bit, met his companion, took pictures, facebooked the event, and called some family. haha It was the best. We walked with all the missionaries back the the MTC. Said goodbye again and watched him go back. It was so good to see him. (: Chelsea and Ryan wanted to hang out for a bit so the rest of us went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Casper. I love seeing family and they were so excited to meet a few of my closest friends! Uncle Matt and Gunner AND Kristy were there too. It was truly a blessing to see them. I loved every minute of it. Around 9 we said goodbye until next time and drove over to Vanessa and Jessica's place to hang out. Chelsea and Ryan came, Chelsea left a little after, and we stayed to play games. SO funny, I just watched, but everyone played 'Quelf'. Very funny. We said our goodbyes, it was close to midnight or past it, and then went back "home". So...when we got there, we weren't tired surprisingly. So what did we do? Played super smash bros. haha Well, Ran, Taylor, David, and I did. Brian knocked out REAL quick. We played, seriously, until like 4 in the morning. (: It was SO much fun!! (Beeeeeep!) I even beat David, which was a big deal. haha We just had such an awesome time that we didn't want to sleep...but eventually when we saw what time it was, we decided it was time to go to bed.

October 3rd: It was time to head home but I don't think any of us really wanted to go back. We wanted to leave by 10 a.m. but we didn't even wake up until like 9:45. So we just took our time. Got ready, ate breakfast, cleaned up the basement, left thank-you notes for the family, and packed up. On our way out, we stopped in SF to see Grandma and Grandpa Jenson (also Aunt Clea was there). It was really good to see them. While David went to fill up the car, I gave a tour of the backyard and the guys picked apples to eat. (: We went back inside and got to visit for a good hour or so. Before we left, Grandma said my Dad wanted some zucchini so we went out and picked that along with some apples. After goodbyes, we left to go eat before hitting the road. I am so glad that my family is so accepting of my friends and that everyone had a good time. For lunch we went to Sonic. Mmmm, that was so good. We ate and then left. David drove first...and we basically all fought sleep for a little bit. That didn't last very long though. Brian was out, Taylor was still eating his blue slush, I fell asleep playing with Ryan's hair, and then I think he fell asleep. haha Well when I woke up, we were in St. George. We stopped for snacks and even got a pizza! Brian and Taylor wanted to watch 'Scott Pilgrim v.s. ...something.' I can't remember that movie title. So I swapped seats with David so he could watch it as well and Ryan was driving. I stayed awake for the rest of the drive! haha You should be amazed about that. It was a fun drive back. The laptop died (or as I like to say, it blew up. haha) before they finished the movie. So we popped on some music and it was just great. Taylor kept getting nervous because Ryan would start dancing as he drove. haha I was no help since I was doing the same thing. I knew we were safe. As we approached home, we knew it was over. Everyone was dropped off and I got home around 10:30 p.m.

So that was all of it. (: It was seriously THE best road trip I have been on. It was great being with these great guys. We learned a lot about each other, broke David out of his shell, shared a wonderful spiritual experience together, and so much more. I seriously love these guys and couldn't ask for better friends. It was great to have this last big thing before we each split ways as each of us get ready for new adventures. So to David, Ryan, Brian, and Taylor (if you are to read this), thanks...for that whole trip and all the memories. You'll always be some of my closest and best friends and I am so glad we got to do that! (:

Until Then.

Utah Road Trip! Part 1.

Alright, here we go!


September 29th: SO! I got picked up by David, Ryan, and Rey around 11 at night. We had to go back to David's and switch vehicles before we went and got Brian. So we did that, stopped by Ryan's house, picked up Brian, stopped at Winco for snacks, and then we were on our way! It was a fun but long drive. (I did indeed sleep most of the time. haha) Along the way, we dropped Rey off where he would be staying for the weekend.

October 30th: We got to Taylor's aunt's house around 8 in the morning. (BEFORE Taylor. haha Which is why he ditched us to ride in the other car...to get there earlier.) So his Aunt was taking kids to school and whatnot so she told us to go on inside and Ben would show us around. We all went inside and met Ben. So Ben didn't actually live there either. haha He is in a ward in Canada where the son of Taylor's aunt is serving. She was very trusting! So awesome. (: Well, we were all exhausted so we pulled out the mats and blankets she had down stairs for us to sleep on...and knocked out on those and the couch. We finally all got up around noon. After we ate, we wanted to get our stuff out of the car and bring it inside. So we go out to get our stuff and I walk back to the house first to see that the door was shut completely...that meant we were locked out. haha (The door had a keypad lock on it.) All of us had left our phones inside too...not smart. hah WELL. Brian tried using a credit card to 'break in'. (for the record, I knew it wouldn't work and it was a pretty dumb idea. haha) Finally, we just sent Brian to use a phone at some neighbor's house where he called MY mom to get Taylor's cell number to then call him to get the code. When all was said and done, we got in the house. haha

Well after that adventure, we all decided to get ready for the day. I will admit...I did take my time getting ready. haha It was partly because I was just still tired! But anyways, Brian had to shower and whatnot after me so the rest of us played Super Smash Bros. :D So fun. haha Then we left for Provo when everyone was ready. We met up with Chelsea and she wanted us to eat at J-Dawgs. David left us and went to his Mission Reunion. Me, Ryan, Brian, and Chelsea went and ate while we waited for Taylor to meet up with us. (J-Dawgs was SO very good! BUT caution: it is entirely way too messy.)

So once Taylor got there we decided we would all go to the Hot Springs that night. So as we waited for the other groups to show up, we walked to Chelsea's to get her stuff and then walked back. Everyone was there but had other plans so we left back to go to Taylor's aunt's. We decided also to wait until David was done with his reunion to go, so we didn't leave him out. So...of course as we waited we played Super Smash Bros. hahaha (Which I am very good at, especially after this trip.) Also! One of Taylor's cousins were staying at the house with 2 of HIS friends as well. Once David showed up, we all got in our suits and stuff then headed out! On our way, we picked up Ben. The group then was: Ryan, Taylor, Brian, Ben, David, Chelsea, and I. Fun group of friends! We were ready to hike. (kinda, no one had flashlights except Ben.) It took us a while to get to the trail head, its FAR into the canyon in SF. So using cell phones and Ben's light, we were off!

The hike was about 2 1/2 miles or so and boy, was it cold. FREEZING. Well, I was anyways. Ryan and Taylor helped keep me warm part of the way. haha (when I couldn't feel my arms.) Well. We arrived at the hot springs and it was SO cool! (: They stink but after a while you don't even notice the smell. haha People that were leaving gave us their glow sticks and then we got on in the hot spring. We stayed there for a while just talking and enjoying eachother's company. I swear, the water was probably disgusting but since we couldn't really see it...it was just fine. hah

We finally decided after a while to get out and get ready to hike back. After pictures were taken and we were all dressed/changed, we headed back. We didn't get home until like...2:00/2:30 a.m. It was pretty late. Once we were all showered and everything, we were exhausted. Since there were so many guys...Taylor's Aunt thought I would like to have a bedroom. haha We didn't know WHICH bedroom she wanted me in though. So, Ben was really nice and let me sleep in the one down stairs (where he had been) for the night. When I started settling in I noticed my rings on my hands...they were black! The hot springs tarnished them. /: I was so sad! (update: they're clean now. cleaned up just fine) Also, I looked around the room and for some reason there were containers full of bugs! Freaked me out. haha I finally got to sleep around 3:30.

The rest will come soon, hopefully tomorrow I'll finish. (:
Until Then.

Loneliness.

So, I promise I am getting to the Utah post but this one first. Well I have learned that sometimes you just can't help the feeling of being lonely. Especially, when you feel like that in a room full of people.

In life people come and go, people change, people grow apart from each other, and so on. It is just how it goes. Sometimes no matter what you do those things still happen because people CHANGE. People change in personality, they grow up, or maybe they just change how they act around certain people and when its just the two of you.

I've been through it all. I've seen all of this before. I am seeing it now.

I have so many thoughts about everything right now that I can't even think on just this one topic for this post. Its insane. I'm just tired...of a lot of things. Not just physically tired, I'm all sorts of tired. So tired in every way that my head is starting to pound...so goodnight.

Until Then.

Unexpected.

Ok, so I know I said that my next post would be about Utah BUT like we all know, life is full of unexpected twists and so I have other stuff to talk about. Anyways. The NEXT post will be about Utah.

So, 10.7.2011, I took my permit test...again (my other permit expired :P) and I passed. :D So that was great. I'll take my driving test in the next week or so. (:

Now. The unexpected twist. Well, Ryan talked about having people over around 7:30 pm. So I got ready like normal and then ended up showing up late. So the door gets opened and all the dogs are there, so I'm petting them and saying hello to everyone. For some reason, everyone was just hanging out in the doorway area. So I was like, alright. Like maybe a minute or so after I got there...ERIC comes around the corner. Did you get that? ERIC. haha (Elder Johansen.) I seriously freaked OUT. Seriously, I had no words. The only thing I could get out was "oh my gosh" and "what the heck" and "seriously"..."oh my gosh". haha You get it. Anyways. He started coming near me and I was just like "can I hug you?" haha Then he gave me a hug and I was all shaky and crap. haha It seriously just shocked the heck out of me.

So after all that and I could gather thoughts again and speak normal, I found out why he is here. He was released so that he could come home for back surgery. So basically, his mission is on hold for a little while until that is all squared away then he will be set apart again and gone.

Life is crazy. You never know what is going to happen because its just full of unexpected surprises. So learn to always expect the unexpected.

Until then.

Back.

I just got back (Oct. 3rd, 2011) from truly a PERFECT weekend. Simply amazing. I will blog about it most likely tomorrow or the next day.

This upcoming epic post (and I don't use the word 'epic' like ever. haha) will include:
-pictures.
-great friends.
-conference.
-random moments.
-bonding times.
-Ryan, Taylor, David, and Brian.
-family moments.
and more.

Like I said, it was the best weekend/roadtrip ever. Just you wait. (:

Until Then.