Me.

" Be who you want to be,

not what others want to see"

Oh my word, Utah was simply amazing. That week was seriously the best and I did NOT want to come back home. haha It was so nice to get out and have time to focus on what I need to do. Time to figure out my plans once again. Time to be myself...time to FIND myself.

One day my Uncle Matt took me to the Massage College up there to get a free massage. (Which was AMAZING. haha) Anyways, a few of my family members have been through the program and my Uncle knows the people there pretty well so we were talking to them after. Then he asked if I wanted to get info about the school. (he is trying to get me to move up there.) I said alright and I went in to talk to a lady, Andrea, about the school.

Let me tell you, she was seriously amazing. Honestly. I have not had someone be so straight forward to me about my future ever. She said so many things to me that were so spot on and that I needed to hear. She told me that she could tell I was determined but that I have been fed so much B.S. that my mind is all chaotic. She got all that truth and more...just by looking at me. How in the WORLD did she know all that? You want to know how? I'll tell you, the Lord works in mysterious ways. We can find answers to our prayers in so many ways. The scriptures...a feeling...through other people. Its just unbelievable.

I have found out this year that I love blogging. I have been terrible at keeping a journal and I need to get back to it. BUT I found that I am able to express a lot more feeling through this, through my writing.

So anyways. She was the nicest person. She gave me SO much great advice, the biggest hug, and her cell phone number if I ever needed someone to talk to. Meeting wonderful people like Andrea is such a blessing. Everything she was telling me was fantastic. She told me to stop listening to everyone else and listen to what my heart is saying. (then she goes "I know that is cheesy, but its true! haha) Ah. There is just so much to talk about.

I am finding myself a little more everyday. I am figuring out my plan, my future, my destiny. In no way, am I perfect. In no way, do I have it all together. In no way, am I completely confident in anything right now. But thats okay because everyday is a new day. A new day to learn, to grow, and to become all that I am meant to be. I have realized that dreams may fall apart but it is because there is a bigger and better dream to be dreamt. I am dreaming big, I am going for my goals, and this is my time. This is my time to make mistakes, learn who I am, and learn to not be afraid of the unknown. All things in time will work out. I believe it! I will find myself and I won't be afraid of it. I'll be me, for me. I am not one to be what others want me to be. I will find my way. With the Lord's help, I will find my way.

Until Then.

Get Away.

So I have been in Utah (officially) since Tuesday. It has been the best. I cannot tell you how great it has been to just get away from everything going on back home. I have to say, it has honestly been wonderful.

I have just tried harder while being up here to get back to the basics. Pray every morning, read a few verses, and then each night I study and read my scriptures once again. I can see the difference! I usually try to do that in the morning but it usually doesn't happen or its rushed. Well, being up here I have just made time to do it and then start the rest of my day.

I surprised my Grandma and Grandpa Jenson on Wednesday, the 25th, it was great! EXCEPT, they honestly did not recognize me! hahaha It was hilarious. It took my Grandpa a minute to figure out who I was. Anyways, it was great to visit with them and to see how they are doing. I really cherish each minute I have with them. It is great to just sit there and chat with them. To talk about the garden, the "hot" weather they have had up here, my Grandpa's storage units, and the latest thing they canned. Whatever we talk about, my stuff or theirs, I just love it.

Just being up here with my family makes me extremely happy. I have been offered to stay up here in my Grandma's house. I cannot say that I have not thought about it! I so have. I can get a job up here, get my license, have access to a car, and such. It could be really good! However, if I did it...I wouldn't move up until after October 19th and I would stay until I go to school in April in Cali. I really do want to go to school there! I just have to get the applications done and whatnot. So that is on my to do list. (:

Just having people offer me places to go to get my life going makes me so appreciative if it all. I even was offered a room in Tennessee with Sarah and can get a job out there! So. What to do...what to do. I obviously want to get out of Moval. So one of these offers could be what I am supposed to do.

In short, this "get way" has been great. It has been just what I needed. I feel bad because I honestly haven't missed too many people back home. Just because when I go on "vacation", I leave everything back at home. I come here to give all my attention to family and to focus on what I need to do. It may sound mean but its only because I know I will see everyone soon! AND I only see my family up here every once in a while. So. Yeah, its has been real good.

This get away has been good...and it isn't over yet. (:

Until Then.

Guys.

Well. I just want to let the world know that I have the greatest guy friends. haha Seriously! They know how to have fun, how to make me die laughing, let me lean on them when I want, are spontaneous and random, and so much more. I just am so lucky.

Today I spent the whole day just relaxing because I cannot breath. haha I think its just allergies but i've been so stuffed up all day. So when the guys called (Brian, Ryan, Taylor, and Dave) to see if they could hang out at my place, I was reluctant, but knew I couldn't say no. haha AND i'm glad they came! I always have a good time, even if we're watching a weird movie or something.

So tonight i'm thankful for all the guys in my life. (: This may be a CHEESY post but oh well. haha A few of them are leaving soon so I find it important to remind them of how great they are. The funnest memories I have are with all of them. I just appreciate the drama-free, fun loving attitude that all my guy friends have. It is THE best. Just sayin'.

Until Then.

Exciting.

SO. I AM going to Utah next week! My best friend's mom is going up and she offered to let me accompany her. (I'll be back before FHE on the 29th got the Service Project).

It will be nice to just take a step back from everything and get back to the basics. I want to be able to just have some down time to read my scriptures and figure things out. AND to be with all my family up there will be so wonderful. So that is it, not a long post but there isn't much else to say. haha I just really miss my family up there SO much.
I am so lucky I get this oppurtunity to go. (:

Until Then!

You.

You have no idea how much I miss you. I try not to talk about you to other people because I don't want it to seem like anything more than best friends (and unfortunately, people talk) but I wish I didn't just have to keep it all in.

I miss seeing you all the time. I miss laughing with you over everything. I miss just hanging out with you doing whatever. I miss the no-questions-asked-attitude when I needed saving. I miss the look in your eyes when you smiled. I miss the random topics you came up with to talk about, your stories, and your RANDOM rants. haha I miss your jokes. I miss going to the park with you. I miss your advice. I miss your singing. I miss our random adventures like ones we had at Walmart. haha I just miss my best friend.

I just really miss you. I tried to not think about it, deny it even. But now I've realized what is the point in that? There is no reason to deny it because its true and it will just eat me up if I do deny it. So. I'm done, if I get asked about you, I'll tell them how you are and simply say that I miss you. There, I said it. I miss you. 'I didn't realize until you were gone, how many pages of my life you were on'. It is weird not having you here. It is weird not being able to talk to you at any time of day or night.

So, I am thankful for not being completely cut off from you. I'm thankful for the great but slow communication we are allowed to have. I look forward (so far its been consistent) to every other Saturday. When I see something for me in the mail box because in that moment I feel like you're closer to me. In that moment, its like you're talking right to me. In that moment, missing you gets easier. Hopefully that can continue everyday, where I feel like missing you isn't so hard and you'll be back soon.

Until Then.

Random.

Ok! SO. I'll start with talking about last Friday, August 5th. (Zack's birthday and THE SURF OPEN!) haha Well since Zack was still up the mountain, me and Tay celebrated by going to the beach. haha It was SO much better than the first day we went. More crowded, but more fun. (:

Likes! :

- Got lots of pictures!

- Watched surfing and skate boarding.

- JIMMY EAT WORLD concert! HOLY fricken moly. It was great. haha Brian and David even picked me up at one point. :D So I could see. (but not by my own will. haha)

- Running around winning stuff.

- Taking Tilly's photo booth pictures with Ryan.

- Getting stamped and temporary tattoos.

- samples!

- The weather was perfect.

- Went with GREAT people!

- Seeing people in wheelchairs be able to surf because others are willing to help them. AMAZING.

- Won a Pacsun tank-top. :D

- Got a nice tan.

- Had a great time with my sister and she had a blast!

There are no dislikes about that day, only more things I liked. It was SO awesome. I want to try to go more days next year. (:

So yesterday, I went to the beach with Ryan and Kelsey. It was a great day. (until I got home.)

Today, I went to the beach again with a great group. Shelby, Kelsey, Phil, John, Allen, and Paige. SO much fun. AND they all learned that I'm a lot stronger and quicker than I appear to be. (; haha

I have learned recently that the longer you stay strong, bottling everything up...the longer the break down will be.

I have learned that the people closest to you can hurt you the most.

I have learned that in order to get closer to someone, you might have to separate yourself from them.

I am learning that some relationships are just can't be fixed. or at least, not at the moment.

I am learning that I just need to keep holding onto my goals and try to reach them...and not let ANYone tear me down.

Let me also say, missing someone that means so much to you never really gets easier. Some days are just definitely better than others. But when you're going through a hard time and you think about them FIRST, you know you miss them. It is the moments that are hard to handle. Not being able to talk to them face to face. Not being able to get that amazing hug from them that makes everything feel better. Not being able to hear their advice on the stop. Those are the moments I have sometimes and in those moments, missing this person literally hurts.

Now. Another thing, I'm not a super quiet person...believe me. Just in new groups I tend to hold back a little bit but I'm not a mute! haha I will get louder the more I am around you, especially my laugh. haha I enjoy listening just as much as I enjoy talking. (:

I am thankful for Aloe Vera Gel. That stuff is AMAZING. Man, I have just gotten burnt the last couple of weeks and I don't want to peel...so that stuff is my best friend.

By the way. I am getting my life together. I don't just go off and "party" all the time. I was told by someone close to me "When are you going to stop partying and gallivanting around and get your life together?" RUDE. Coming from someone close to me just broke. me. down. I am working my butt off to find work but I have to keep myself sane at the same time! So I make sure I have some fun too. It doesn't help when I have "time limits" on the computer and most apps have to be done online...just saying.

So, this post is really random but its just been a random week so far! haha Full of ups and downs already. :P Here's to a good rest of the week, for EVERYone.

Until Then.

Dislike.

Ok. I have 2 things today that I would like to rant about. haha So bear with me.

1. I really dislike being singled out, especially in front of a lot of people. At church (8.7.2011) in RS and announcement was made about this college seminar. Its about this loan you can get for cal-states or whatever. (I went to it last time they had it here) WELL. A woman next to me leaned over and told me I need to go to that and I said yeah, I probably will. After that the woman reading the announcement looks up at me and says "Yes, you most definitely need to be there Jessica" which caused everyone to turn and look at me. When I am singled out like that, I freeze and in that situation I just whispered a thank you. So dumb but I didn't know what to say. I was so frustrated for some reason. I had to leave. So after the opening song, I picked up my stuff, and left. I sat on the couch and read an amazing missionary letter from Eric and the scriptures he said I should read. SO. I KNOW I am supposed to be in school, I want to be in school, I wish I was in school, and I need to get out of here. I don't need to be constantly told what I should do. It makes me mad. I feel like I have failed not being in school already and like I'm being looked down on constantly. But anyways. That is my first rant.

2. My freedom. I don't have much when a certain someone is home. I even have time limits on the computer. It is just frustrating because I won't pull the "I'm over 18 card" but I can't think of anything else! I just want to be out so bad. I want to have a job already and be in school. It just sucks! I don't know what I am doing wrong. I just can't get it all right. Sometimes I feel like I've got it figured out and then other times...i'm back in a pit. WELL, here I am again in the pit. I have no car, no job, and slowly but surely I won't have a lot of freedom. I'm just frustrated, mainly with myself.

So. There are my 2 rants. haha I feel a little better now and my head isn't pounding as much. (I gave myself a dang headache! :P)

On another note, I watched The Notebook last night. I absolutely LOVE that movie. However, now I feel as if I can relate to it in some way. I just think of one particular person and I don't want to watch it for a while, unless i'm alone. haha Its just hard. You think missing people would get easier over time...not so much. When people are gone you REALLY realize how many pages of your life they were on. How much of them is in you and when they leave...you feel as if a piece of you left with them.

Well. That is all. I've ranted and now I am done. I love the gospel, through all this craziness that is the only constant thing in my life. It is my rock, my solid foundation. I'm thankful for it and wouldn't be who I am today with out it.

Until Then.

Guarded.

One more post for the day. I have for a few days so I figured two for the day wouldn't be so bad.

Well for various reasons i'm not a VERY open book. That is just who I am. I have to have known you for a while to really open up and talk to you about what is going on in my mind, how I am really feeling, etc. Like if I call you my best friend, its serious because I trust you and know I can talk to you about anything. Ok ANYways, I feel very guarded when it comes to relationships. Yes, I will go on dates and such but when I feel like it is getting serious...I tend to pull back and withdraw myself a bit. Especially if I am unsure about how I feel.

I don't do that to hurt anyone or lead anyone on. I just feel guarded. I have my wall up a lot and I just protect myself from being hurt and especially from hurting others. Its just right now I am figuring myself out, working on my plan, trying to figure out where I belong and my feelings, and its hard to add someone to that craziness I call my life.

So, I am more cautious. I seriously consider everything when I make a decision. Which I guess makes me a guarded person. I don't think it makes me strong, I don't think it makes me weak, I just feel like an average girl with a lot of self-control and a good perspective. I try to always see the bigger picture even when its hard.

With all of that, I just want to date different people and just have fun. Nothing serious just yet, nothing that moves too fast, just fun. I still have a lot of growing to do. I know that. Everyday I learn something new, I believe in myself more, and I want to be better. There is just so much I still need to accomplish and learn. Well, thats all. I just needed to put it out there. One day, I won't be so guarded or I'll just find, (or just be re-assured that it is someone I know), that one person who loves me enough to not give up and just break my wall down.

Until Then.

Surf Open.

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!! haha Seriously. So yesterday (August 3rd) I got to go to the U.S. Surf Open with Momma J, Ryan, Julie, Brian, Cara, and Kyle. There were booths, BMX was going on, the surfing was happening all day, this fashion show thing, free stuff to win, people slapping eachother's sunburns for T.V. haha, and more!

We left SUPER early, like before 6. Insane! haha I slept like the entire way there. So we got there and had a great parrking spot, didn't have to walk too far. It was fun to be there early and walk around before the crowds. I enjoyed it. (: We also met up with Haley and Landon when they finally got there.

Love:
-being with awesome people.
-eating PB&J instead of spending money on food. haha
-taking sweet pictures.
-surfing competitions...and the surfers especially. (:
-napping on the beach.
-walking around the booths.
-having fun in the parking lot.
-great jokes.
-the BMX stuff was insanely cool.

DISLIKE:
-I lost ALL MY PICTURES that I had taken! ): I'm incredibly sad over it. /:
-Nasty people.
-The sunburn I got on my shoulders. haha

So, the things I love about yesterday out weigh the things I disliked which makes it a pretty awesome day in my book. haha Now, I hope I can go Friday with my sister. (:

Until Then.