Vacation. (:

Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. Utah. UTAH. UTAH!

Ok, my point is made...I'm EXCITED! hahaha I haven't been for at LEAST 2 or 3 years and I miss my family up there SO much that it hurts. Like, my heart literally hurts because I miss them so much. haha The only thing I hate about vacations is: Packing. UGH! The worst thing to do is pack. haha Ask my family, I pretty much procrastinate packing until day OF or the night before. I am so busy that I plan on packing night before. I'm just going to stay up all night. Then sleep on the way up. (: Good plan, I think. The problem is this, I only have ONE pair of jeans!! hahaha SO. I have to get a couple pairs while I am up there. RIGHT when we get there because the jeans I have now don't work with my BOOTS! ... that is not okay. haha Anyways, I'm seriously SO thrilled to be going up. Except that I hate the cold and its freezing...who cares. Its just a week. I so wish though that I could be up there longer! But I gotta be back in time for Tori's wedding.

ALSO, I get to see Kelly while I am up there!!! HOLY crap. I'm excited...I get to see my best friend. (: AH! And I get to see a couple of other friends. Hopefully my Uncle can hook us up with free bowling or something.(; hahaha Because a lot of people are going to be up there at the same time. I gotta ask him. Well. I've got to get ready for the rest of my day. Its "greaser day" for Kylie's bday, since a couple of us will be missing her birthday dinner. :P

Until Then.

Cloud 9.

Ahhhhh. Yep. I cannot stop smiling and I just want to hold onto this happy feeling for like...EVER. hahaha I just got home from a date that I think went very well. I hope he had a great time too. Its funny how you could be having a kinda whatever day and then one event can make you say "I had a GREAT day"...that's what I am saying now. haha I'm exhausted though and have yet to pack for my Utah trip, I leave soon! AND have not even done laundry. hahaha terrible! Well. I am off, to try to go sleep.

Until then.

The Light of Christ.

In institute I always try to take notes and my notes this week were pretty awesome BECAUSE the lesson was absolutely perfect. I did not write nearly all that I wanted to. I drew a picture, because I doodle on everything haha, but it turned into something more than just a doodle. :D

SO. The sun represents the Light of Christ. The clouds and lightning are the trials, turmoil, and just ALL the bad stuff that happens to us during our lives. The flower represents us. I drew a FLOWER because they're beautiful and each one of us has a beautiful soul. Also, because they grow and push through all the bad weather. Connecting all that is rain. I see the rain as not only OUR tears that are shed through these hard times BUT the tears of our Savior. He truly did feel and STILL feels every pain, every heartache, any and ALL suffering we go through.

I came up with all of this in that amazing institute class. True inspiration comes when you are standing beside the Lord, feeling the spirit completely swell within you. I firmly believe that.
"If we still see the light of Christ through all the trials and turmoil in this world then through His light we can grow stronger everyday." My quote of the day. (:

Through the light of Christ and the atonement, we can be made better. We all struggle, make bad choices, go through heartaches, are confused, and more. BUT we also can all enjoy the little moments, be happy, love with all we have, serve others, and SO much more. There is always going to be hard times but with the right attitude they can turn out just fine. Just remember that you are never EVER alone, the Lord is always right there....waiting for you to see that He STILL has his arms outstretched for you to take hold of.

I believe my life is a journey, a test of my faith...and i'm just getting started. <3

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

My DREAM wedding would be to be married in the Salt Lake Temple. (: That is my DREAM temple. (runner up is San Diego, closer to the beach where...) I want my reception! Yeah, I know the usual reception for an LDS wedding is a stake center. :P BUT we're talking about dream wedding here. I would LOVE love LOVE to have my reception on the beach. That would seriously be amazing. Being at my FAVORITE place on the greatest day of my life is just my dream. (:

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Its hard to choose! haha But I think having a Cheetah would be pretty sweet. (:

another sleepless night...

haha BUT its alright. :P Who needs sleep right? Tonight my hopeless romantic, chick-flick-loving, day dreamer side comes out and I'm sitting here watching "A Walk to Remember". Debating between 3 other movies to watch after this one, chick flicks of course. haha SO. Here I am at 1:35 in the AM thinking about the mystery of life. Thinking about relationships and whatnot. NOT a thing to go over at night, i'll tell ya, it keeps you awake! haha I can't even put into words whats going through my mind. All I can say now is...I'm missing my movie writing this blog post that isn't going ANYwhere. haha Oh man. :P

I'm off to finish my movies. Until then.

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

I've been laggin' it on this challenge and I'll be out of town next week SO i'll do a few days today. (:
Here I am 2 years ago. :D

Day 4 – A photograph with your best friend. (my great friends too.)

I have a few BEST friends. (: Lisa and Ayumi. These girls are amazing. We have known eachother since middle school. I met ayu when she returned my ugly sweater. hahaha and Lisa I didn't think I was going to like her! haha BUT then we became best friends, just like that. THEY are awesome. We need to get together real soon because I miss them like crazy. Tongs will forever make us laugh. We have had some great times together. I trust them both with my life, they are the best. I'm truly blessed by them. (:

Me and Kelly have been BEST friends for 10 years. We did Girl Scouts together. We have had some FUN times! haha I can't even begin to list all of our many memories. I love her SO much and trust her completely. Its hard to find people you just instantly click with and still click with YEARS later. But we've made it and I love her to pieces. Hurt her and I will seriously hunt you down and hurt you more. She is amazing and my best friend in this crazy world. I'm so lucky to have her as my best friend. (:

Me and DREA! [holy moly batman!] Ah, we have had some great times and in not a LONG time. I met her just last year. We used to have the BEST late night convos. haha She had me laughing into pillows at one time because I needed to be quiet and couldn't stop laughing! hahaha She amazes me with her drive, faith, and strength. I miss her EVERYday because she moved to Maine but I swear our friendship has grown stronger. I love her and I'm glad we're best friends. (:

Me and Lia! She is my SISTER. Not really but yeah. She is the best. Right now she is serving a mission and I miss her! She is doing a wonderful job and reading her e-mails just make my day! She is the best. We also met just last year and I feel like I've known her FOREVER. <3

The guys! SO. Greg here was my Dance Festival Partner and that is how we met. He asked me to be his after his quit and mine broke his arm. It was THE best. (: He is really awesome! Now he goes to college and whatnot but its crazy how when we get back together its like no time has gone by and we're back to the way it was before. He is pretty great.

Now. Ryan, we met last year at the beginning of summer. I can talk to this guy about ANYthing and he does the same to me. He is TRULY one of my greatest guy friends that I've ever had. FORreal! He is WAY nice and I feel like as friends we definitely compliment each other. I'm glad that we've become so close, I trust him completely. AND he makes things a whole lot of fun. I know I can always count on him to have my back. (:

Taylor. He likes to party. (; hahaha We met the summer of Dance Festival as well. He is Greg's best friend. He is the life of the party! I love his comments that he makes and he is going to be going on his mission here soon. He is a great guy and I'm glad we're great friends!

Brian is a good friend, met last year. He is the end of a lot of jokes but he's a good guy. haha Definitely makes things interesting! He is really good with the scriptures and whatnot so its good to know I can come to him when I need something like that.

Lets see. This is a way old picture, but me and Eric. We have had some good times. I met him when he returned from Kosovo last year. He has pretty much always been there for me, since I met him. He is slightly unconventional but awesome. haha SO. I'm glad to have him in my life. I know he's there for me as I am there for him. Its going to be wierd when he isn't here for 2 years BUT he is going to be a GREAT missionary. (: WELL. Anyways, he is a great friend that no one can take away or replace because we've been through a lot and i'm thankful for that. (: AND of course Kylie. We have been through a LOT too. She tells me everything and I tell her everything. I trust her completely. We've had some pretty BOMB summers together! haha She is another friend that even though we don't see each other like EVERYday its like we do, we just pick up where we left off. Its all good.

Prayer.

The most simple principle that is taught in the church: Prayer.
Its amazing to know that all around you may be chaotic BUT if you have Faith in the power of prayer, everything will be OK. I sometimes feel as if I am being pushed out of a group or like old times are crumbling around me. However, I know the Lord is ALWAYS with me. To stand by me, to pick me up when I fall, to hold me steady when I stumble. This is my testimony, that prayer helps in any situation. Peace is found in the knowledge the Savior gives and he gives that knowledge to us when we ask. "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you..." I know this church is true. I know that through hard times like these I can hold onto the Savior with all my might, mind, and strength and he will guide me. Help me. Find me. SAVE me. When things change, not always for the better, I just remember HE never changes, he never falters, and He is the only one I can TRULY count on. <3

PARTY! :D

So my Mom's birthday party was on the 19th. It was a BLAST! OH. my goodness, I can't explain how amazing it was. I am so thankful for the friends I have that I can count on to be there for me, they helped out so much!(: Dallin, Phil, Tori, Kelsey, Terry, Lisa, April, Landon (for djing), THANK you guys! :D

ANYways, I had somewhere to be in the morning. I helped, along with the lovely Gina, at the activity for the girls in the stake. It was fun! :D Painting nails and making lip gloss. I got home around noon and then we started setting up. We had balloons, streamers, lights, and more! Then we put out the food and whatnot. I hadn't eaten like ANYthing except half a piece of pizza SO Terry was wonderful and went to grab some pizza! It was SO good! After we all ate, I realized it was almost 5 and the DJ was supposed to be here! SO. April took Mom out of the house. But he wasn't showing up! I was freaking out. haha FINALLY, close to 7 (mom was upstairs now) He came!
So I had been getting ready so I went to go finish and then Mom was putting her whole get-up on and people were showing up! Talk about being on time. (; haha
Mom came down all dressed up! :D Then I gave everyone wristbands that i wrote "Party Like a Rockstar" on! AND glasses! MOM then was told that someone needed her outside SO she came on out. The look on her face was AMAZING! I wish I had the camera for THAT! So there was dancing, food, gifts, glow sticks galore, bop it, black ops, guitar hero, and more. We also had a pretty SWEET cake. So we all got to sing happy birthday to her. (: It was fantastic, the whole night. SO they say a picture is worth a thousand words, well...i have 132 AND videos. Those will speak for the rest.
here is the link for ALL of them: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/album.php?fbid=191217917582008&id=100000814031558&aid=36601
I'm trying to post pictures on this post but its being retarded. /: Later! I will finish! (:

...crossed the line.

Who gave you the right to hurt me? Who gave you the right to tear me down? throw things back in my face? hold things against me? WHO gave you that right to be offensive towards me? Who gave you the right to make crude jokes towards me? There is a line. I have pushed it farther and farther because taking offense to things is not MY thing. BUT you crossed even that line. Time and time again. WHO gave you the right to make me want to break down and cry? Done. I'm done.

A soft spot. College News. and more...

SO. Today someone was asking a friend and I how we were. She said good and told about her day. This individual that asked us went on after her to say 'and nothing new with you since you were home all day' and something about how I shouldn't be tired because I didn't do ANYthing as usual. WELL. I know this person probably did not mean it in a "mean" sense but it sure sounded mean. I had a busy day today!! Just because I don't work yet and am not going to rcc does NOT mean I just sit around all day being lazy. This person sure hit a soft spot and I sure hope it does not happen again. I am trying everyday to find work and plan on going to school. It just really bothered me. /:

COLLEGE! I received a letter today from BYU IDAHO. Yep, I wanted to go to Provo but could not get straight in. /: So. New plan. (: The letter said I am to start...in SEPTEMBER. :D I swear to you, besides money, the only thing that scares me is the weather! Haha I hate the cold. HATE. IT. haha However, this is my only option and a very good one. I will somehow be able to afford it this time and I just need to depend on the Lord to help me through. (: so there is my big news. :D

My mom's party is Saturday. I hope people show up! Haha I am SO excited. There is a lot going into this so I hope it goes well and that SHE has fun. (:

So some nights like tonight, I have to just sit and listen to my soft church music because I have so much going on I my mind. The song I am listening to now is THE best. Its called, "I will Rest In You". It starts off like this, "Lord I'm in the dark, seems to me the light is dead when I start calling, no one there, the sky is falling, Lord I need to know, my mind is playing games again, you're right where you have always been, take me back to you..." It is a beautiful song. There are times where I feel as if I am alone. Even with all my friends I just sometimes feel out of the loop with them or as if I am alone. I know it is not true but I can't help but feel that way sometimes, like today. I know though that through these feelings I see that I can rest in the Lord because HE is ALWAYS there by my side. To hear my prayers that includes tears, fears, and everything else. Lord, "I will rest in you..."

Well. One more thing. I am so glad my spiritual thought went so well yesterday! (: I was honestly so nervous. haha But the people who were there told me it was great. I am glad I was able to touch their hearts with something that touched mine so greatly. <3

I shall continue my 30 day challenge tomorrow. This post is long enough. haha
Until then...

Spiritual thought for FHE.

SO. I have to give the small spiritual thought for FHE on Monday...and let me tell you, I am actually kinda nervous!! I'm not even kidding you, I am! hahaha Every one that usually give them just seem SO natural at it and strong and now I have to do it. MAN. Anyways, I've decided on something for it so now I just have to give it. ahh. As I was making the decision on what message I should give I came across this quote again. I LOVE it. I get these "LDS Nuggets" sent to me via e-mail. Some days it is crazy how PERFECT they are for me and that moment. This one...this is perfect:

"Perfection does not come in this life, but we exercise faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and keep our covenants. President Monson has promised, “Your testimony, when constantly nourished, will keep you safe.” We push our spiritual roots deep, feasting daily on the words of Christ in the scriptures. We trust in the words of living prophets, placed before us to show us the way. We pray and pray and listen to the quiet voice of the Holy Ghost that leads us along and speaks peace to our soul. Whatever challenges arise, we never, never leave Him."
-- Neil L. Andersen,"Never Leave Him"

Pray. Listen. Grow. <3

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

The perfect first date? Hmm. Thats a toughy. FIRST off, anything original-like, NOT a movie. haha But, also in-expensive. I think a perfect date (in general or a FIRST) would be grabbing some ice cream and hiking/driving up a hill somewhere to over look the city. Put on some music and just spend time getting to know eachother without all the distractions. I think it sounds pretty cute. haha well. THAT would be close to perfect for me. (:

Realizations.

Her eyes have opened, she now can see. She realizes that this will never go anywhere. They're great friends, that's all they can be. He will never know he hurt her. He will never know she cried and that her heart was broken because he could not give it a shot. She has realized its a "yo-yo" crush. An up and down...up and down...kind of crush. She has come to see that it is not meant to be and she is alright. She feels relieved that her heart is freed from his grasp and opened to others again. She is growing stronger with each passing day. The feelings she had will be no more. He will grow up. He will continue to move on with his life, unaware to her past feelings for him. Who knows if he actually had feelings for her. If so...its too bad. Maybe in the FAR future if paths are crossed and something sparks...maybe then. BUT. Now, she says goodbye to that chapter in her life. Hello to continuing their great FRIENDship. She says that she is free.
That "she" is me. I am free. (:

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

Stouffers Mac and Cheese. It was SO good. (:

Day 1: A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Since the day is still young, i'll describe yesterday. (3-8-2011) haha It wasn't very eventful and now I wish it was so that this would be more interesting! haha I just hung out at home all day doing multiple things. I continued filling out Toy's R Us' application, watched one of my favorite shows, did a TON of chores, and hung out with the family. I got dressed and ready to go to institute AND thats where my day became good. I have to go early since its across town and my Dad has to be back here by the same time Institute starts.(7:00) Because I am early, it gives me time to just sit by myself with my I-pod and read the scriptures. Last night I read many scriptures about affliction, prayers being answered, and letting my heart be not troubled. I didn't really search for them...it just kinda turned out that way. (: Funny how the Lord works and helps us find what we need to hear. Then Institute started and we had a great lesson. WELL. Shaila is amazing so we ALWAYS have great lessons. <3 After institute everyone split into their correct spots so we could sing "Strong and Courageous". A BEAUTIFUL song by Jenny Phillips. Look it up. We'll be singing it for a fireside coming up. It just sounds great. The men in our YSA group are just amazing. When they sing about the priesthood and all that, I get the chills. THEN when we combine, women and men, the spirit that enters the room is so touching that it brings a tear to your eye and a warmth to your heart. Truly the highlight of my day. After institute, I returned home. I then talked to the same friends I had seen and helped them all through something that had become bigger than it really was. I then went to my room so that I could write a letter to Drea. (: MAN. I miss her so much!! So she has a 4 page letter coming her way. haha After I wrote that I got ready for bed. Exhausted, I fell asleep quite quickly last night. Thank goodness. haha WELL. There was my day.

30 day blog CHALLENGE. I kinda wanna do it...

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

I think I shall do this. ALONG with my random posts. (:

I wish...

That I could take away the heartache of others. When my friends are hurting, I find mySELF hurting with them. Its hard to see friends go through these HARD times and not be able to phisically take away their pain. SO. For now I will continue to always be the friend others can come to. A shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, someone to relate to and feel safe around. I'll wipe away their tears and help to take away their fears. Life is hard and I just hope I can be the one to make other's lives easier even by the smallest of actions. <3

Ok. Breath, its a new month.

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out.

I swear to you, I have these days/nights where THAT goes through my mind in order to make it through. Ever had days where at the end you just want to scream? or cry? But all you can do is sit in silence, pray, and hope to fall asleep soon. Thats my night. I feel everything now. As the day ends and I look back on everything I did with my time in THAT day, I see it was good. SO. Why do I feel like i'm going to EXPLODE? Seriously, I believe it is just the fact that I over-think, over-analyze, over-hope, over-everything. Its a fault. Especially the over-thinking...that can drive one CRAZY. /: But. I just cannot release some feelings and thoughts i've been having. Feelings like being lost, scared, hurt, and afraid keep me up at night. I'm restless knowing that I hope for things that will NEVER happen. Its a curse really. WELL. That is what I think. I see oppotunities slip through my fingers, people become just another face, dreams become just that DREAMS...never to become reality, guys that i've had feelings for become nothing more than another 'great' friend, and every plan I make for myself seems to break apart into millions of pieces.
Its as if everytime ONE thing goes right, at least FIVE other things go wrong. There is like this rug under me as I move through life and everytime I get too happy or life is going too smoothly, that rug is RIPPED out from underneath me as someone laughs.
Its just trials. MY trials. I know I would not be given them if the Lord knew I could not handle them. Therefore, I can do this. I can get through another sleepless night. I can pretend like everything is okay, although I feel like I am falling apart, because maybe if I pretend long enough it will become real. I can dream NEW dreams and make them more logical and possible to achieve. Roadblocks get in your way and cause plans to go awry BUT there is always a detour and the same destination. I will get through these nights that tear me to pieces. I will get through these days that seem to break my spirit. I will get through this with prayer and faith because sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is HOPE. Hope, Faith, and my Savior. The only constant things in my life. The only things I can rely on to help me through another day. So. As I sit here and contemplate all that I have released into this blog, I realize it is not my usual up beat self talking. This is deeper. This is what I never open up to ANYone about. I always think: "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own". AND its true. I don't like bringing others down with my woes of life, it isn't cool. I would rather help others than receive help. Then I realize I bottle everything up so much that I cannot sleep. Its hard...its life. But at least I have the Savior and I can know that I am never absolutely ALONE. He helps me through all these things when I feel like no one else can. Like, no one else can help or even understand how I am feeling. He understands...always. As I end this, I have come to the conclusion that I really would like a blessing. A blessing to know the path that I shall take. I mean, not completely laid out...that would be too easy. BUT to know that if I pray and fast I will find my answers. A blessing to know that it will be alright, this is just a stage, this is just something that will pass, and whatever else the Lord can tell me to lift my spirit. Now. To work up my courage to ask for such a blessing. Until then, I will continue to read my scriptures and pray because thats what gets me day to day...month to month...

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out...