Huge.

This week has just been, to say the least, huge. We'll start with the 25th, Christmas!

It was a great Christmas. We filled each other's stockings this year and that was beyond fun. We watched Mr. Krueger's Christmas, Joy to the World, The Nativity, and so on. It was just a simple and nice Christmas as a family. I loved every minute of Sacrament meeting and the day was just so wonderful. It was definitely the best.

Then on to the 26th. I worked my first 8 hour shift. That was a LONG day. haha But I loved it, it was busy and fast paced. I definitely like my job and felt so thankful to have the opportunity to work the season. Then, like I talked about before, I found out that I was permanent! So I love my job even more. haha

Now the 27th was a HUGE day. I am house sitting so I've been over night there since Christmas. Well I woke up early to go get my hair done with my Mom. She was already going over there so I was going to run home, get my hair pictures haha, and meet her over there. So after I got ready, fed the dog, and whatnot I got ready to head out. They said I could use their car while they were gone so I was going to just use it to go meet with my Mom. So I started home and I didn't get too far before I seriously had the scariest moment of my life. I was going straight and then I just then I saw a car, just barely, coming at me to my right and then it was like the loudest silence before the huge crash. I got hit with the air bag, the seat belt saved my life (I swear by it.), and it was the biggest crashing noises all around me. I had NO idea what to do once that air bag hit me. I was just scared, I was sobbing, literally sobbing and I never do that, and I was shaking SO hard. I was sitting there yelling, 'Oh my gosh' over and over again. A minute later, a cop was opening my door to get me out and out of the intersection.

I pretty much made it to the sidewalk and collapsed in shock. I was saying, 'its not my car', 'I don't know what to do' and so on. Then a lady that lived on the corner came and just held me. She called my Dad for me and everything. She was like my guardian angel right in that moment. She held me together and when my Dad got there I was just so happy to see him. I did go to the hospital because I got a huge burn thing from the seat belt/airbag, my chest was just killing me, bruises on my hips, my nose hurt, my lip was slightly swollen, and my knee was also hurting.

Well, after everything is said and done, the family wasn't even mad I basically totaled their car. I was safe and I haven't been very sore...I even went in to work today (the 29th). I was a little light headed at work from lifting but I was blessed to get a couple of breaks. I just have no words to explain what went through my mind at that moment when I got hit, I don't have enough words to say how thankful I am, I just...am thankful to be here and be so blessed. I just have been keeping a sincere prayer in my heart about everything.

So then, yesterday the 28th, was my birthday. I am now 20, OFFICIALLY an adult. Let me tell you...It feels good. I actually can feel a difference. Maybe its just because I have been through so much as a 19 year old that I feel like I have grown more in the past year than I ever have before. This is huge to me. It really is. I had a great day with my family. We went shopping, went out to dinner, and then came home to watch 'Cowboys and Aliens' while eating cake. I blew out 20 candles yesterday and I couldn't be more excited to start a new chapter in my life. Here is to being 20. Here is to everything. Here is to not taking one moment for granted. He has blessed me in this past year with so much strength and I made it. I couldn't feel happier about that than I feel now.

Until then.

Official.

I had another day where I just felt truly thankful and happy. I was working a long shift today and was told that one of the leaders wanted to see me. So, I finished with the guest and then went to go see what was going on.

Prayers were answered, I am officially a permanent Target employee!! (: I am so beyond excited. It may not be the "best" job but I think its a great job for me. I love it! I love that Target hired me and gave me that oppotunity to prove myself to be a good worker. I am thankful that I have a steady job now. Its a wonderful feeling knowing that I will be saving money for school and for all the things I need. I just feel....responsible and a little more independant.

So, thank you Target. haha This was like an amazing Christmas/Birthday presesnt! :D By the way, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. This is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

Until Then.

Chances.

I love when that moment comes where its not worth it to make things up anymore or hide anything or deny it. I love heart to heart talks. I love when the only thing you care about is being honest and its now or never.

In life, we are sometimes blessed with second chances. A second chance to mend a friendship, say what our heart so longed to say before, be a better person, and so on. These second chances don't come easy or often though...thats why they are a blessing and when they come, you better be honest. Be honest with yourself and the others involved.

Life is about taking risks. Its about finding yourself and finding another to complete you. Its about being honest, especially to those that mean the most to you. Its all about the little things. Its all about being willing to take a chance when you've got it.

So here is to taking chances, taking risk, and living. Live everyday the best you can. Live with your whole heart, a sound mind, and a strong soul. Live to enjoy the journey as you endure to the end.

Until Then.

Again.

So here we go again, with issues dealing with school.

Well. I just want to talk about my desire to go to a 4 year university. This has always been my dream...my goal. I am so sick of people saying to me "looks like you're just going to have to swallow your pride and go to RCC". First off, that is NOT the reason I don't want to go there. I have heard nothing but drama come out of that school. Takes too long to register, getting no important classes, being there longer than necessary, etc. I just have no desire to go there and it doesn't FEEL right. Now that I got that out, I feel like I can tell people that straight up when they tell me things like that.

I don't want to be defensive or bitter because these trials to just get INTO a school are somehow making me into a stronger person. I keep being disappointed but I'm learning thats life. When one door closes you gotta find the other one that opened. I appreciate advice but I do not appreciate being talked down to or told what to do...that only pushes me away.

On another note, I hope all the guys in my life know that I've got their backs. I am so thankful for their friendship more than any friendship with the ladies in my life. That may sound harsh, but I just connect so much better with them and love how they don't 'backstab' or just talk behind eachothers backs all the time. Its nice! haha I appreciate the fun loving, drama free attitude they all have and I think we could all use a little more of that in our lives.

Well this year is almost over. Its time to make new goals, look back on the year, and dream about a new fresh year.

Until Then.

Kindness.

Being kind and caring is simple and are traits we should all strive to have. In our day-to-day lives we have so many opportunities to show kindness towards others and it is up to us to go the extra mile.

Today I took my best friend comfort in the form of his two favorite things, IBCs and Yorks. (: haha Something so simple but when someone knows they are being thought of and mean enough to someone to be cared for, it has the possibility to mean so much. So my message is simple, be kind. Be kind to your family, to your friends, to even strangers, to everyone. Being kind and caring can radiate simply from a smile. Like I said, it doesn't take much. It just takes a willing heart to take the time to be there for another, to care beyond what they show to the world, to be kind to those who walk among us.

We are all here to be tested and tried. We all have bad days, we all have hard times, and we all feel the weight of the world on our shoulders some days. So lets help each other out. If someone is down, care enough to talk to them about what they may be going through. If someone has lost that spark in their eye, throw them a smile. If someone is going through a difficult time, be close to them so you can catch their tears and be that shoulder to lean on. There is so much that we can do for others and the best thing is that its just this: simple. Don't complicate it, just be kind and care.

Until Then.

Up.

"I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down..."

- 'Down' by Jason Walker.

I always say how perfect music is and how it just tells the story of each of our souls. It tells the world what our hearts are saying and everything we want to say. Music is life and I usually never go a day without it.

With that said, of course I have been listening to music on Pandora all morning. This song came on and I've heard it before BUT this time, it seemed to hit me really hard. It seems like every time I try to get out and chase my dreams, I fall back down and start to drown. Its been an up and down roller coaster with everything.

Well, even through all the struggles, I'm learning to still get back up and just shoot higher. Its hard to feel things like rejection, disappointment, pain, and heartache but unfortunately that's life. However hard those feelings are though, they show us how wonderful the feelings of pure joy, love, and happiness are. Those feelings are what we so desperately want to feel in this life, I know I always strive to be happy and make others feel the same. As much as I try, I can't stop the bad times from coming. All I can do when they come is to go with it, "roll with the punches"...go with the flow.

Life can be disappointing. When you get your hopes up and it doesn't go right. When that perfect guy finds someone who is not you. When you lose people who are dear to you. But you know what? That is when we grow the most. That is when we are becoming stronger individuals. THAT is when we are becoming thankful for all the happy times and good feelings. We learn to appreciate everything more when we've learned what its like to lose it all.

I'm writing this because I don't want to fall and drown. I want to continue to get back up when I fall. I want to keep getting stronger. I want to shoot for the stars and one day reach my dreams. I want to inspire another to never give up. Do not give up on people, on your hopes and dreams, and NEVER give up on yourself. We are all worth do much more than what this world tells us. We need to be driven. We need to be compassionate and help others along the way. We need to always get back UP when we have fallen...no matter how hard or trying that may be.

Until Then.

Missing.

Days like I've been having just make me miss my best friend even more. I miss the hold-me-tight-until-I-felt-completely-better hugs when I needed them after a hard day or sad news.
I never thought missing someone could be so hard. I have missed people before, but this is somehow different. I never thought that AFTER the goodbye would be harder than the actual goodbye...and that was the hardest goodbye! There is only like one other person that I have ever missed like this too. I miss hanging out doing nothing but talking. I miss our beach trips, spa nights, and our top of the mountain nights. I miss just laughing at nothing and being complete spazzes. haha

Most of all, and the reason I miss my best friend a lot today, is because he would understand exactly how I am feeling and he is one of the only people that could make me open up and talk about whats going on. He would know what to say and what not to say. He would make me feel better. He might sugar coat the hard truth but thats what makes him different. He wouldn't just shoot down how i'm feeling. He would make sure I knew the truth but in such a caring way that just made sense to me. More importantly, he would just make me smile by the end of our conversation and not make me feel like I was bothering him or like he was trying to bring himself into the problem because thats usually why I don't talk about things to people, I don't like being a bother or a downer.

I just miss that guy. In case anyone is confused, I just miss my best friend. Its hard having him gone as well as a few of my closest friends too. Its definitely wierd being at this age where they all leave and so I can't wait to be at the age where they return.

I swear, the letters just don't come fast enough and 2 years sure can feel like forever some days but I know its for the best. AND we can still be there for eachother through those slow but great letters.

Until Then.

Nowhere.

So, Saturday was rough. I never thought work would be the best part of my day. Well you know when they say that if you bottle everything in eventually you'll hit the wall where you've had enough? I have kinda hit that wall lately.

Without getting into any details, the fights with a certain individual were escalated and I ended up grabbing my purse with work clothes and walked out. Walking has always been something I turn to, to calm down. It was so hard to be in that situation though because I honestly felt like I had nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to calm down...I was alone and had not a clue what to do.

Besides the fight, that's what hit me the most, I had nowhere to go and I didn't want to go back to where I had been. I so desperately want out. I wish more than anything that I was out on my own. Well, through all of this, I have seen the Lord's hand in my life. He has blessed me through some pretty hard times. At that moment when I was walking and confused with nowhere to go, I just prayed and prayed for comfort, a sound mind, and a forgiving heart. He helps me at the most trying times. He helps me to not feel completely alone or afraid, when I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to here.

Well until I am out of here, I am just going to figure out where I can turn to and where I can go when I need time to get away.

Until Then.