I wish...

That I could take away the heartache of others. When my friends are hurting, I find mySELF hurting with them. Its hard to see friends go through these HARD times and not be able to phisically take away their pain. SO. For now I will continue to always be the friend others can come to. A shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, someone to relate to and feel safe around. I'll wipe away their tears and help to take away their fears. Life is hard and I just hope I can be the one to make other's lives easier even by the smallest of actions. <3

Ok. Breath, its a new month.

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out.

I swear to you, I have these days/nights where THAT goes through my mind in order to make it through. Ever had days where at the end you just want to scream? or cry? But all you can do is sit in silence, pray, and hope to fall asleep soon. Thats my night. I feel everything now. As the day ends and I look back on everything I did with my time in THAT day, I see it was good. SO. Why do I feel like i'm going to EXPLODE? Seriously, I believe it is just the fact that I over-think, over-analyze, over-hope, over-everything. Its a fault. Especially the over-thinking...that can drive one CRAZY. /: But. I just cannot release some feelings and thoughts i've been having. Feelings like being lost, scared, hurt, and afraid keep me up at night. I'm restless knowing that I hope for things that will NEVER happen. Its a curse really. WELL. That is what I think. I see oppotunities slip through my fingers, people become just another face, dreams become just that DREAMS...never to become reality, guys that i've had feelings for become nothing more than another 'great' friend, and every plan I make for myself seems to break apart into millions of pieces.
Its as if everytime ONE thing goes right, at least FIVE other things go wrong. There is like this rug under me as I move through life and everytime I get too happy or life is going too smoothly, that rug is RIPPED out from underneath me as someone laughs.
Its just trials. MY trials. I know I would not be given them if the Lord knew I could not handle them. Therefore, I can do this. I can get through another sleepless night. I can pretend like everything is okay, although I feel like I am falling apart, because maybe if I pretend long enough it will become real. I can dream NEW dreams and make them more logical and possible to achieve. Roadblocks get in your way and cause plans to go awry BUT there is always a detour and the same destination. I will get through these nights that tear me to pieces. I will get through these days that seem to break my spirit. I will get through this with prayer and faith because sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is HOPE. Hope, Faith, and my Savior. The only constant things in my life. The only things I can rely on to help me through another day. So. As I sit here and contemplate all that I have released into this blog, I realize it is not my usual up beat self talking. This is deeper. This is what I never open up to ANYone about. I always think: "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own". AND its true. I don't like bringing others down with my woes of life, it isn't cool. I would rather help others than receive help. Then I realize I bottle everything up so much that I cannot sleep. Its hard...its life. But at least I have the Savior and I can know that I am never absolutely ALONE. He helps me through all these things when I feel like no one else can. Like, no one else can help or even understand how I am feeling. He understands...always. As I end this, I have come to the conclusion that I really would like a blessing. A blessing to know the path that I shall take. I mean, not completely laid out...that would be too easy. BUT to know that if I pray and fast I will find my answers. A blessing to know that it will be alright, this is just a stage, this is just something that will pass, and whatever else the Lord can tell me to lift my spirit. Now. To work up my courage to ask for such a blessing. Until then, I will continue to read my scriptures and pray because thats what gets me day to day...month to month...

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out...

my little buddy, Blackie.

My mom woke me up this morning crying and told me that someone hit Blackie last night...he didn't make it. ): Years ago I found this little guy at the mailbox. He was all sickly looking and very timid. So everyday i'd go out there and sure enough he'd be over by the mailbox. Eventually, I got him to trust me and brought him home. Thats what we do in my house. (: hah. We cleaned him up and got him all happy. Fed him and then since then, he was OURS. Never left our house. I remember him following me around the block but getting scared by cars, racing to the mailbox, him meeting me at the car of whoever was dropping me off, him JUMPing on the hood of the car and staring at us to get out, his MEOW...he had a DISTINCT meow haha, cuddling with him on the couch, and more. He was a good cat. A good little buddy. I can't believe he is gone.

I miss you Blackie. You'll forever be in my heart. I know you never like Tiger...hahaha BUT take care of eachother up there in Heaven. Until then.

I've learned this many times over now. (:

"'being best friends isn't being inseparable, its being separated and nothing changes'"

Crashing and Burning. Its just a trial.

I could honestly live without the twist and turns in life.
The crashing and burning.
The trials of life.
The unknown and the heartbreak.
But then I guess it wouldn't be a test.
And that is ultimately why we are all here.
I'm learning more each day to just ENDURE. ENDURE to the end. ENDURE to the end. If I say it enough, I believe it more and more. With Christ, all things are possible. My trust is in him.

Thats all for now.

2011.

2010. I'm glad that year is done and in my past. I wouldn't change one minute of it because I grew SO much as a person. BUT it was so hard and I am moving forward, not looking back. I lost many people that were dear to me. The most I have ever lost in just a year. I grew so much closer to my family through my struggles and their strength. I graduated High School. Got into the YSA group. I met the greatest people which I now call my closest friends, I love them SO much. I had my heart broken and learned a thing or two about relationships. I grew in the gospel, with institute and the most amazing teacher helping my testimony grow each week. Ultimately, I learned that the LORD has a plan for EACH of us, even me, and I need to trust in Him with all i've got so I can fufill that plan. My heart is full of thanks for my family and my friends. Especially, those friends who I learned I could be completely close to and I didn't have to be afraid because they were ALWAYS there for me when I needed a friend the most. <3 SO, with that we go into the year 2011.

2011. This year will literally be the beginning of the rest of my life. I will begin to accomplish the many goals I have for myself and I'm ready. I can't even begin to express how excited I am. I get to start it all. I have a job that I will be starting and that alone is a HUGE answer to my many prayers. (: I will soon be able to afford College, and then I will REALLY be on my way. The Lord has opened my eyes and helped me to understand where I am to go. I am going. I am going with full force and with Him on my side. I just can't believe that I had to say goodbye to so many people...already! BUT it helped me realize what I want. I know (and knew) that I don't want to stay where I am at, there is more for me somewhere else. I will find out where that is. Whether, that is BYU-Idaho or a school closer to home. I will be there. You better believe me on that one. I heard from a few people, who take the time to listen to me instead of putting me down for not starting school yet, that THIS is my time to make mistakes. This, right here, is the time to find myself. Find out who I am, what I want to be, where I want to go. SO. Here I go, with this new found wisdom, into the rest of my life. Get ready for me world, because here I am.

If anyone at all reads this. I hope I was able to say something of worth for YOU. Because this is who I am.
later. <3

AND...i'm off!

haha in about 9 hours i will be on a PLANE for the first time and off to Louisiana! AH. a new adventure. I'll visit my aunt there, then we're going to Arkansas for Thanksgiving with her fam, then OFF an a cruise (going to the places on the map BUT not taking off from there. taking off from New Orleans!) for the both of us!! I'm grateful for this oppurtunity. Its going to be a blast forsure and i'll be taking LOADS of pictures. See ya in 2 weeks!

Until Then. Later! <3

Man!!

I can't believe how much I let this slide /: It makes me sad. I want to post more! BUT i've been so busy. Getting ready for my trip and all. SO. for now, i will post this poem i wrote the other night.



No Hope.

"I feel so lost,
in this sea of emotion.
I hold onto the mast,
on this ship in the ocean.

The compass is gone,
there is no hope of returning.
As I tighten my grip and hold on.
There is only yearning.

I yearn for some help,
I just need to be heard.
But as I yell, no words can escape.
These tears that i've cried, have not helped, only allowed me to yelp.
hardly a cry for help out,
but my voice has been buried,
in this world full of doubt.

The waves are crashing against me,
The anchor holding my ship is breaking,
and all i can see,
is the darkness surrounding.

Where is that help, i so desperately need?
that gentle hand to reach out and grab me,
to bring me to shore,
and listen as I cried,
To tell me "no more".

"For it will be alright,
can you not see the light?
Why, there it is at the end of tunnel
and with hope, my friend,
we will get though this hell"