Boyfriend.

Man. That is going to take me a little bit to get used to saying. Aww, let me just say how happy I am. The Lord truly knows who He should put in each of our lives and I am thankful for that.

We had our first kiss on the 21st and at that moment I completely knew...he was the guy for me.

So on the 26th, I became happily taken away by the greatest guy in the world, Scott. He is truly the best. We were just cuddling and enjoying a night in when he said he had something to say and knew how to say it now. He said the sweetest things about trust, about us, about everything and I wasn't even scared when he was telling me it all. I just wanted him to keep going and get to the part where he asked me to be his girlfriend. haha It got to that part and now I'm happier than ever. Even now I am sitting here grinning like a fool. He just has me so extremely happy. He tells me how lucky he is but really, I am the lucky one. I love holding his hand whenever we're together, kissing him like its the last time I will, talking to him, goodnight messages, and everything else.

I was sick this morning and he brought me a smoothie after church.
He visited me at work just to check on me (and to buy dogfood haha).
AFTER I got off at 9:30 pm, he came over where we then watched "The Notebook" and had pancakes at midnight.

Tell me that isn't the perfect boyfriend...yep, you can't say it. haha Because it wouldn't be true, he is the best.

Life couldn't be better right now. I may not know what lies ahead of me but now I am not afraid of it. I'm not afraid to go for whatever I dream up because I have him by my side. I don't feel so alone through everything I am going through and whats better than that is I know he feels the same. Making him happy is the best thing I can do. His happiness makes me radiate joy and seriously its the greatest.

Until Then.

Our first picture taken together (not as a couple at that time but I love it), last year at the fair.

Busy.

I can't believe I have been neglecting my blog! I was doing so well but now I have been busier than ever. Life has been absolutely crazy lately.

I've been juggling quiet a bit lately. So, I have been working pretty good hours lately. No more 8 hours per week. haha That was ridiculous. I've been kinda dating a friend, not completely serious yet but he makes me feel special. Its nice. (: Then church, hanging out with friends, FHE, and institute...no wonder my energy has been shot. Also. Brian is moving so yet another great friend of mine is going to be gone, as of today, and I still hate goodbyes.

Well, with that, I just feel really quiet lately. I feel like I can’t say enough, can’t say anything to help, or can’t say what I really want to say…so I’m not saying enough. That probably makes no sense but there really is no other way to explain it. I’m having to say goodbye and have said goodbye to some of my closest friends and it makes it hard when I need someone to talk to…to rant, to just let everything out. Times like these, I really miss my best friend. I miss the connections I have had with others. Well, now, I am at a loss for words. So. I will continue just being quiet for now.

Its been kinda hard not to withdrawal more than I have. I feel a little bit like I'm falling apart on the inside. Like, its just one thing after another and I need a break. A break from missing people, from going out...from reality. I kinda went "awol" last week and I'm thinking that's what I need to do again.

I just need to get back on the ground with both my feet planted firmly on it.

Until Then.

Feeling.

I've been staring at this blank page for some time. I feel like writing but everything I feel like writing about is just so scrambled.

I probably should be sleeping because I am exhausted but I just have so many thoughts. Thinking of past memories, of friends, my family, school, and of him.

Why is it so hard to let someone go? Why does it have to hurt so much when I don't even know what this is? Its nothing. I just don't understand why I can't look away even when he isn't looking my direction. Which then makes me not understand the stolen glances between eachother. I just...I can't be her. Thats probably the only thing getting in the way. I'm me. Maybe I am just not good enough to feel that touch again, to be held, and to just be with him. I'm. Not. Her. So once again, I need to move forward. I need to move past this. But how can I let go of this once again when I have held on for so long? Even when I was angry, hurt, and over it...I've come back and that must mean something. Feelings don't resurface for nothing. Or do they?

Whatever happens, if we ever are together or never make it to that, there will always be a place in my heart for him. That little piece of me will stay the same. The "history" and memories are still there. However, time moves forward and so shall I. So come what may.

Until Then.

2012.

“In three words I can sum up what I know about life: It goes on.” — Robert Frost.
It. Goes. On. How amazing. Those three simple words hold so much wisdom. Its great knowing that after this year of trials, of heartache, of people coming and going, of happiness and triumph, and everything else...that is goes on. It goes on to be a new year full of hope and potential.

I hardly have the talent of Robert Frost to just simply sum things up and besides, 2011 was too big to just sum up in a few words. In 2011, I was everywhere. Literally. I grew closer to my best friends, they were my solid ground when I grew weary through the challenges. My best friends went on Missions. One returned and although he should be out there, I'm sure thankful to have him here. I learned to trust even more in Heavenly Father because thats all I could do last year. I grew closer to my family for they are truly the most constant people in my life and I love them dearly. I got rejected from a school I thought was my next move, I got a JOB at Target, I met some great new people, I saw other lives change, I went on a roadtrip with friends, I went to conference, I visited Utah on my own just to see my family, I went to the US Surf Open, I went to the beach in general a lot more than years before, I experienced loss once again with 3 of my dearest pets, I felt feelings deeper for another but also had to get over them over and over again...I got my license, I got into a car accident, and I turned 20.

I learned to live in the moment. I learned to appreciate letters so much more. I learned to get out of my comfort zone. I learned to trust my heart more. I learned even more to speak my mind. I learned to speak up and be honest with things that are going on. I learned, and this is big, that sometimes it is okay to cry...just a little bit. haha I learned that things in life aren't always going to go as planned...because last year was just one beautiful unplanned mess. Seriously. There are definitely two things I learned: Life is messy and Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

So with that. Here is to 2012. Here is to loving more deeply, speaking up, to not fighting feelings anymore, to just going with it, to taking chances, to having more faith, and to being who you truly are each and every day. Here is to accepting that life doesn't always go as planned but being thankful for another day to figure it out. My only New Year's Resolution, so far, is just this: To figure life out. Basically, to continue just finding myself and my place in this world. Maybe this year will bring me love, maybe it will bring more tears, more joy, or new people but I know this. I am not alone in this journey and I am not only enduring but ENJOYing the ride we all call life.

Until Then.