I have been thinking a LOT lately about everything. Well. Even more. I do not ever stop thinking about what I'm going to do next or what I need to do to get out of here or whatever. BUT lately, it has just been eating away at me a lot more.
When I was in school, I had my whole LIFE figured out. I had all my plans set and I was always prepared. I was always the one that had it together, that knew what to do and what had to be done. Well, I realize now what made that all break apart. What made me second guess my abilities and just hurt me. I had based all these plans on the fact that I was going to make it and get into BYU-Provo. I was SO set on going and I really thought I had a chance to get in there. When I didn't get in, I was devastated. There went all my plans with that one rejection.
I have realized this before but now I just know that was it. However, as discouraged as I was...I never stopped planning and aiming higher. I now am looking into schools here. I never applied for schools here while I was a senior because I was just so misinformed and couldn't find the right help. I regret it a lot and anyone that REALLY knows me, knows that I do not like to regret anything. A lot of people have given me great advice on where to go. Then others, have told me that they're sorry I was misinformed and that they're sorry it is just too late for me. WHAT?! I'm only 19. I am quite sure...no, I AM SURE, that it is not too late for me. I have so much determination in me that I know I can achieve greatness if I try. So, to that person who told me that - man, just you wait. I do not do well to people telling me I can not do things. Especially when I am still young and have SO much life and time left. Anyways.
Sure, I have a fear of applying somewhere and being rejected again. Yes, I feel like I'm wasting my parent's money with the app fees and whatnot. But you know what? Everyday that fear...that feeling...just gets smaller and smaller. With time, I will not be scared. Then I realize that it is okay to be scared. Its normal! haha It is okay to feel like that and it will help me to just want to push forward and beat that fear.
I am researching many MANY schools right now. I am going to apply for quite a few of them and see what happens. I know that with the Lord, I will know what to do. He does have a plan for me. He does. Just because everything isn't going according to plan, (as in not having a job even though I am trying SO hard), He does hear my prayers. He knows my fears. He knows my needs, my wants, my desires: He just knows. I need to trust that somehow this is all part of His plan for me. That this is all happening to help me grow and learn all that I can. I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. I have to believe that because that is what keeps me going. The hope I feel through Him, the faith I have IN him, the unconditional love I feel from him...it keeps me strong everyday. It keeps me moving forward. It keeps me on my feet and on my knees.
Everything we go through is a learning experience. Through every trial, regret, heart ache, bad day, EVERYthing...there is something to be learned. Through every pain, there is healing. Through that healing, we have to keep holding on. Never letting go. We just have to know that everything will turn out. It has to. This scripture just came to my mind. Joshua 1:9 - "...Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord, thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
That scripture gives me so much peace. We are NEVER alone and we should not be dismayed. Through everything, I always put on a smile and get through it by having a strong front. I am learning everyday, that it is okay to cry and break. It is okay to feel weak for a moment because it just means you've been strong for too long. I never believed that until recently. I think of the song by Hilary Weeks, "Just Let Me Cry". It is BEAUTIFUL. It just amazes me when I hear a song like that one. (and I know I've blogged about that song before) It amazes me because it is one of those songs that just speaks to your soul. There is beauty in the breakdown. We go to Him more earnestly, with a humble heart when we feel like all is lost...when there is no where left to turn. So with that. I am learning it is okay to break, as long as you don't STAY broken. As long as you get back up, brush yourself off, and keep on going.
I will figure out my place in this world. I will find where I belong, where I am meant to be at this point in my life. Although, I may be judged by others or looked down on or feel inadequate or like I have failed or feel out of place...I don't care. Because one day soon I will know what to do and I won't stop until I am walking the path I am supposed to go down.