Guarded.

One more post for the day. I have for a few days so I figured two for the day wouldn't be so bad.

Well for various reasons i'm not a VERY open book. That is just who I am. I have to have known you for a while to really open up and talk to you about what is going on in my mind, how I am really feeling, etc. Like if I call you my best friend, its serious because I trust you and know I can talk to you about anything. Ok ANYways, I feel very guarded when it comes to relationships. Yes, I will go on dates and such but when I feel like it is getting serious...I tend to pull back and withdraw myself a bit. Especially if I am unsure about how I feel.

I don't do that to hurt anyone or lead anyone on. I just feel guarded. I have my wall up a lot and I just protect myself from being hurt and especially from hurting others. Its just right now I am figuring myself out, working on my plan, trying to figure out where I belong and my feelings, and its hard to add someone to that craziness I call my life.

So, I am more cautious. I seriously consider everything when I make a decision. Which I guess makes me a guarded person. I don't think it makes me strong, I don't think it makes me weak, I just feel like an average girl with a lot of self-control and a good perspective. I try to always see the bigger picture even when its hard.

With all of that, I just want to date different people and just have fun. Nothing serious just yet, nothing that moves too fast, just fun. I still have a lot of growing to do. I know that. Everyday I learn something new, I believe in myself more, and I want to be better. There is just so much I still need to accomplish and learn. Well, thats all. I just needed to put it out there. One day, I won't be so guarded or I'll just find, (or just be re-assured that it is someone I know), that one person who loves me enough to not give up and just break my wall down.

Until Then.

Surf Open.

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!! haha Seriously. So yesterday (August 3rd) I got to go to the U.S. Surf Open with Momma J, Ryan, Julie, Brian, Cara, and Kyle. There were booths, BMX was going on, the surfing was happening all day, this fashion show thing, free stuff to win, people slapping eachother's sunburns for T.V. haha, and more!

We left SUPER early, like before 6. Insane! haha I slept like the entire way there. So we got there and had a great parrking spot, didn't have to walk too far. It was fun to be there early and walk around before the crowds. I enjoyed it. (: We also met up with Haley and Landon when they finally got there.

Love:
-being with awesome people.
-eating PB&J instead of spending money on food. haha
-taking sweet pictures.
-surfing competitions...and the surfers especially. (:
-napping on the beach.
-walking around the booths.
-having fun in the parking lot.
-great jokes.
-the BMX stuff was insanely cool.

DISLIKE:
-I lost ALL MY PICTURES that I had taken! ): I'm incredibly sad over it. /:
-Nasty people.
-The sunburn I got on my shoulders. haha

So, the things I love about yesterday out weigh the things I disliked which makes it a pretty awesome day in my book. haha Now, I hope I can go Friday with my sister. (:

Until Then.

Timing.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to have even MORE faith in the Lord's timing. I mean, I know there is a reason for everything. So I got that but I need to have more faith in the timing department.

I have come to this conclusion because I feel like a LOT of my tests/trials are timing related! I always am in situations that have awful timing. Seriously. So I mean, that must mean that is my weakness. That is the crack in my faith, I need to have more faith in HIS timing.

For an example, I met this really cool guy and then later on found out he was Mormon. So awesome. Well, he was left Cali in the days to follow. Terrible timing. To meet someone worth getting to know better and then they leave? Timing was not in my favor. haha I have plenty of other stories about terrible timing but I won't go into those. haha

The point is, the Lord knows us. He knows our plan, our path, everything. He knows it all! So ultimately, His timing is somehow perfect. Although we (I) might think its terrible timing! haha But everything does happen for a reason and at the right time. That is where faith comes in. Have faith that everything that will work out. Even if it is the wrong time (to you) right now, its doesn't mean its the wrong thing. It will/can happen at a later time. Timing definitely is everything and the Lord is ultimately the watch of our lives. I'll just keep holding on and working on my faith in His timing. One day, I'll see that it will all work out perfectly. One day.

Until Then.

Recap.

SO. It has been a busy past week. (since last wednesday).

July 20th - Driving test and BI that night. It was fun! After the dissapointment of not passing my driving test, I really appreciated a night out with the ladies.

21st -

22nd - Double date night. Me and Landon with Ryan and Haley. It was a LOT of fun! We went down to Balboa beach to eat at Rubys. (Which I have never been to before) Then just walked on the beach for a while. (Which I love doing. haha) AND then, to Landon's for movies. After a couple of movies we went home. It was a good night. (:

23rd - Taylor's Birthday! So a bunch of us went to go see HARRY POTTER 7 PART 2! Holy moly. It was SO good! :D I still canNOT believe it is over. Ah, that was a good childhood. haha

OH! and I got another letter from an Elder Eric Johansen that day too. (:

24th - Pioneer day. haha Well, it was a nice relaxing day. Church was great, my Dad spoke in sacrament, and it was an all around good day.

25th - F.H.E. We played Volley Ball, which surprisingly, I really enjoyed this time! I want to play again and hopefully keep getting better. haha THEN a bunch of us (me, Kelsey, Phil, John, Taylor, Matt, Greg [for a little], Shelby [who was hurt and still playing!], and Joseph), stayed after to keep playing volleyball, which turned into Jump Rope with the net, and then indoor soccer. haha It was an eventful night! Got my workout. haha However, when we left to go to the cars we had a situation. Poor Rachael's window was busted and her purse was stolen. /: So we hung out with her until it was all figured out and we all left together. After THAT, haha a few of us went to John's house to hang out before calling it a night.

26th - Relaxed and did chores around the house. Nothing too exciting.

27th - Me, Mia, Kylie, and some of Mia's work friends actually went to the BI again! haha It was fun to go dancing again. (:

Now here we are, the 28th. July is almost over! In between all the things I talked about doing in the past week, I have applied for MANY more jobs and started the application process for a couple of schools here in CA. (: Its been good! Tonight the YSAs are going to the temple. I am quite excited. It'll be a good night.

Until Then.

Failed.

I absolutely HATE that word. I hate everything about it. How it sounds, how it feels, and so on. Its like every time I take a few steps forward, get excited, and feel like I'm moving forward...I get knocked back twice as far.

Today's failure: My driving test...and my permit expires Saturday. So I've been knocked back a lot BECAUSE now, I will probably have to take the written test AGAIN, waste more money, and then take my driving test. I'm just frustrated with myself. I am not blaming anyone, not even my CRANKY instructor. (I kept thinking, she probably does a TON of these all day so give her a break. But she really did have just a sour attitude. NEVER smiled or anything. But I still don't blame her. hah) Anyways, I failed because of one thing...just one. I went 25 mph on a 40 mph street for "2 blocks". However. I really thought it was a residential area! AND there were no signs with the speed limit so I thought "better safe than sorry". /: OY!

Well thats it. I guess I just needed to vent a little. When I got home around noon, I got water and walked to the park. I stayed there for almost 3 hours. haha I needed that alone time. It was definitely nice. The walk was great, I even took longer ways to and from, and the weather is perfect. So today I am just thankful for perfect weather and the love for walking.

Until Then.

Lucky.

"Whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss. Then I'm not as sad as I once was."

When you miss someone and thoughts of them stay with you all of the time...it gets hard. Well I was thinking and then I thought about how LUCKY I was. Which led to that statement above. (: I have a few people that I just miss like crazy, people that will be leaving soon, and a couple of others who have told me of there plans to leave. Its crazy. (Just a side note, makes me more determined to get out of here! haha) However, it is a good thing to see everyone's lives going the right direction and their plans turning out well.

So. When I start to get sad or want to let tears fall, I just stop and think about how lucky I really am. I have so many special people in my life. I have friends that mean the WORLD to me and I would do anything for them. With that, I am so thankful. Because as I have said in the past, goodbyes are the hardest part. Well now I know that the days that FOLLOW that goodbye are THE hardest part. You just gotta learn to carry on. Look for the positive in the situation. See how lucky you are to have them in your life. See that it isn't a complete goodbye, you'll see them again. Whether it is in 2 weeks, 4 months, or 2 years. I'll see you few special people again, in time we will be brought back together. I'm just lucky.

Until then.

Plans.

I have been thinking a LOT lately about everything. Well. Even more. I do not ever stop thinking about what I'm going to do next or what I need to do to get out of here or whatever. BUT lately, it has just been eating away at me a lot more.

When I was in school, I had my whole LIFE figured out. I had all my plans set and I was always prepared. I was always the one that had it together, that knew what to do and what had to be done. Well, I realize now what made that all break apart. What made me second guess my abilities and just hurt me. I had based all these plans on the fact that I was going to make it and get into BYU-Provo. I was SO set on going and I really thought I had a chance to get in there. When I didn't get in, I was devastated. There went all my plans with that one rejection.

I have realized this before but now I just know that was it. However, as discouraged as I was...I never stopped planning and aiming higher. I now am looking into schools here. I never applied for schools here while I was a senior because I was just so misinformed and couldn't find the right help. I regret it a lot and anyone that REALLY knows me, knows that I do not like to regret anything. A lot of people have given me great advice on where to go. Then others, have told me that they're sorry I was misinformed and that they're sorry it is just too late for me. WHAT?! I'm only 19. I am quite sure...no, I AM SURE, that it is not too late for me. I have so much determination in me that I know I can achieve greatness if I try. So, to that person who told me that - man, just you wait. I do not do well to people telling me I can not do things. Especially when I am still young and have SO much life and time left. Anyways.

Sure, I have a fear of applying somewhere and being rejected again. Yes, I feel like I'm wasting my parent's money with the app fees and whatnot. But you know what? Everyday that fear...that feeling...just gets smaller and smaller. With time, I will not be scared. Then I realize that it is okay to be scared. Its normal! haha It is okay to feel like that and it will help me to just want to push forward and beat that fear.

I am researching many MANY schools right now. I am going to apply for quite a few of them and see what happens. I know that with the Lord, I will know what to do. He does have a plan for me. He does. Just because everything isn't going according to plan, (as in not having a job even though I am trying SO hard), He does hear my prayers. He knows my fears. He knows my needs, my wants, my desires: He just knows. I need to trust that somehow this is all part of His plan for me. That this is all happening to help me grow and learn all that I can. I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. I have to believe that because that is what keeps me going. The hope I feel through Him, the faith I have IN him, the unconditional love I feel from him...it keeps me strong everyday. It keeps me moving forward. It keeps me on my feet and on my knees.

Everything we go through is a learning experience. Through every trial, regret, heart ache, bad day, EVERYthing...there is something to be learned. Through every pain, there is healing. Through that healing, we have to keep holding on. Never letting go. We just have to know that everything will turn out. It has to. This scripture just came to my mind. Joshua 1:9 - "...Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord, thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

That scripture gives me so much peace. We are NEVER alone and we should not be dismayed. Through everything, I always put on a smile and get through it by having a strong front. I am learning everyday, that it is okay to cry and break. It is okay to feel weak for a moment because it just means you've been strong for too long. I never believed that until recently. I think of the song by Hilary Weeks, "Just Let Me Cry". It is BEAUTIFUL. It just amazes me when I hear a song like that one. (and I know I've blogged about that song before) It amazes me because it is one of those songs that just speaks to your soul. There is beauty in the breakdown. We go to Him more earnestly, with a humble heart when we feel like all is lost...when there is no where left to turn. So with that. I am learning it is okay to break, as long as you don't STAY broken. As long as you get back up, brush yourself off, and keep on going.

I will figure out my place in this world. I will find where I belong, where I am meant to be at this point in my life. Although, I may be judged by others or looked down on or feel inadequate or like I have failed or feel out of place...I don't care. Because one day soon I will know what to do and I won't stop until I am walking the path I am supposed to go down.

Until Then.

Peggy.

Oh, where do I begin...prepare yourself, this will be a long post. Well, last week was ROUGH. Everything hit me at once and Peggy was going downhill more and more each day. /:

So Peggy was THE most stubborn, strong willed, most loving dog EVER. Seriously. The last few years we kept thinking "We're going to have to say goodbye this time"...and then she would pull through, stronger than before. It just amazes me to think of how much she went through and was still here to give kisses, chase the cats, try to fetch still, etc. haha She was just so full of life, right up until the moment we REALLY had to say goodbye.

I remember going to get her. It was a friend of my Aunt's that had Peggy and was getting rid of her for whatever reason. I just remember going to this house and they had a few other dogs too but there was Peggy. I was SO excited. haha The car ride home was so funny. haha It was in our OLD blue van and Peggy would not sit down. I remember she just kept walking all over me and Robert, trying to see out all the windows, squishing us, and just being super hyper. It was great. (: That moment I knew I was looking at my new best friend. So that began the stream of memories I have now with her, my ENTIRE childhood had her in it. I am so thankful for that.

Some of my favorite memories with her:

-She HATED water. Therefore, being kids, we would throw her tennis balls into the sprinklers/slip n' slide/pool/etc. and watch her try to go get them! hahaha It was SO comical.

-She would EAT her tennis balls so the other dogs couldn't get them. haha She also ate chalk if we left it on the ground.

-Sleeping on the floor with her. (especially the last night)

-Giving her baths. That was always an adventure!

-Throwing one tennis ball, then she would bring it back, throw another one instantly and so on. Tired out us but she never seemed to want to stop.

-One time we found rats under the deck...Bear ate them...Peggy took care of them. haha

-Her insane barking as we jumped on the trampoline, she just wanted in on the fun. Then she got old and stopped barking until...one day, she just started howling and barking again! haha

-Feeding her my dinner when my parents left the room.

-She never liked to be stuck in one area for a long time. She got hurt one time so she was in the bathroom with a cone on while we went to church. Well, we got home to see that the cone was off, bandages were off, and the molding around the door was GONE. haha She had clawed and eaten it off.

-She was the ONLY dog I ever let give me kisses.

-When Tiger was around (my cat) he always snuck out of the house. Peggy would be after him so quick. haha He never got far. She was a good gaurd dog.

-When we rode our bikes out back, she would just chase us around.

-Taking Easter pictures, she was always right there.

-She LOVED cheese. haha I always loved giving her some.

-Her chasing the other dogs around the yard, acting like a puppy all her life.

I'll stop there. It is really good to see all those memories typed out. Ah. So here comes the hard part... My parents were both gone a few weeks ago. Me and Taylee couldn't see Peggy so we went out side. She was shaking and had fallen. That day was AWFUL. I thought I was going to have to say goodby right there and bury her myself. But that wasn't the end. That night I picked her up myself, made a bed on the kitchen floor, and slept right next to her all night. Although her hips were SO bad she tried to keep walking up until the last day. (even if it was just in circles.) Well when my Dad got home he talked about taking her in to put her down. I could tell that he didn't want to but being the strong father that he is...he knew it had to be done.

Thursday (June 3oth) Me and Tay gave her a bath. OH boy, that was an adventure! haha Like I said, she hated water. We tried to make it quick. She looked so pretty after. (: That night we brought her in, just to be in the house. I made a bed in the living room for me and her. It is like she knew what was going to happen, she would NOT sleep. So...I hardly slept either. I just couldn't help but to stare at her. Wonder what she was thinking, thinking about all the goodtimes...It was a LONG night. Friday (July 1st), was the day. I put her outside and cleaned up the living room. Dad and I were going to donate blood so we went to do that. (I had low iron AGAIN so I couldn't. /:) When we got back...it was time to say...Goodbye. Dad put her on a leash, brought her in, and I grabbed the camera. She never stayed still so I tried my best to get our pictures with her to be clear. (It was me, tay, and Dad at home. Robert, Mom, and Zack were at camp...that was SO hard for them not to be here.) After that, Dad took a picture of me with her and I just wanted to BREAK looking into those beautiful, tired, old eyes.

We got her to the truck but then realized she was going to have to be picked up and put in. I went and grabbed a blanket, back outside, picked her up, and put her on the seat. I didn't want to let her go. I sat there telling her I loved her, giving her kisses, saying goodbye, and then Dad said he had to go. As I shut the door...I just had to look away. I did wave and then in the house I went. Once I got in my room, I just BROKE. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard over anything. It was just this huge release and I just couldn't believe I had to say goodbye.

I composed myself and went downstairs. I posted the picture on FB with a little caption. I seriously wanted to just curl up and do nothing, cancel all plans for like ever and just sleep. BUT the lovely Charlotte J (Momma J) commented and said she was kidnapping me and my sister. I went back upstairs and laid down after that. As I waited for my Dad to call, I fell asleep, and woke up to hear the Johansen ladies in my house. haha They did come. AND I am so thankful. Tay woke me up, I grabbed a shirt, and went downstairs. Right then my Dad came home. With the leash, collar, and my blanket in hand. I went into the bathroom and tried to contain myself once again. He also told me the records showed, it was her birthday. She was 18. 18 years old! What a wonderful long life she had. I hugged my Dad and then we left. (p.s. that was SERIOUSLY a blessing, to get out and have a day away, that day away. I am so thankful for them. <3 Such a wonderful family.)

Peggy was such a blessing to my family and I. She always improved our moods, made us laugh, made us happy, and completed our family. When she got older I would wake up every morning, go straight to the back door, and just click the lock to make sure she woke up. The other day I did that, I guess I just made it a habit...now I gotta break it. I will never EVER forget her. I won't forget all the memories made with her. She was my entire childhood/teen life. Now that she is gone, I feel like that chapter of my life is finally over. I'm off into adulthood, no strings attatched. I love her SO much. Goodbyes are so hard. She was the BEST. I know that I will see her again one day. She will be there to greet me on the other side. With Tiger, Meeko, Blackie, Coco, Slinky, and all the other wonderful pets we have been blessed with over the years. That knowledge brings me great peace and joy. She is running and playing again. Free from her tired body and free from pain. Peggy, I love you. Always have, always will. I will see you again.

Until Then. <3