Ok. Breath, its a new month.

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out.

I swear to you, I have these days/nights where THAT goes through my mind in order to make it through. Ever had days where at the end you just want to scream? or cry? But all you can do is sit in silence, pray, and hope to fall asleep soon. Thats my night. I feel everything now. As the day ends and I look back on everything I did with my time in THAT day, I see it was good. SO. Why do I feel like i'm going to EXPLODE? Seriously, I believe it is just the fact that I over-think, over-analyze, over-hope, over-everything. Its a fault. Especially the over-thinking...that can drive one CRAZY. /: But. I just cannot release some feelings and thoughts i've been having. Feelings like being lost, scared, hurt, and afraid keep me up at night. I'm restless knowing that I hope for things that will NEVER happen. Its a curse really. WELL. That is what I think. I see oppotunities slip through my fingers, people become just another face, dreams become just that DREAMS...never to become reality, guys that i've had feelings for become nothing more than another 'great' friend, and every plan I make for myself seems to break apart into millions of pieces.
Its as if everytime ONE thing goes right, at least FIVE other things go wrong. There is like this rug under me as I move through life and everytime I get too happy or life is going too smoothly, that rug is RIPPED out from underneath me as someone laughs.
Its just trials. MY trials. I know I would not be given them if the Lord knew I could not handle them. Therefore, I can do this. I can get through another sleepless night. I can pretend like everything is okay, although I feel like I am falling apart, because maybe if I pretend long enough it will become real. I can dream NEW dreams and make them more logical and possible to achieve. Roadblocks get in your way and cause plans to go awry BUT there is always a detour and the same destination. I will get through these nights that tear me to pieces. I will get through these days that seem to break my spirit. I will get through this with prayer and faith because sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is HOPE. Hope, Faith, and my Savior. The only constant things in my life. The only things I can rely on to help me through another day. So. As I sit here and contemplate all that I have released into this blog, I realize it is not my usual up beat self talking. This is deeper. This is what I never open up to ANYone about. I always think: "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own". AND its true. I don't like bringing others down with my woes of life, it isn't cool. I would rather help others than receive help. Then I realize I bottle everything up so much that I cannot sleep. Its hard...its life. But at least I have the Savior and I can know that I am never absolutely ALONE. He helps me through all these things when I feel like no one else can. Like, no one else can help or even understand how I am feeling. He understands...always. As I end this, I have come to the conclusion that I really would like a blessing. A blessing to know the path that I shall take. I mean, not completely laid out...that would be too easy. BUT to know that if I pray and fast I will find my answers. A blessing to know that it will be alright, this is just a stage, this is just something that will pass, and whatever else the Lord can tell me to lift my spirit. Now. To work up my courage to ask for such a blessing. Until then, I will continue to read my scriptures and pray because thats what gets me day to day...month to month...

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out...