Mission.

I feel like my last post was just way intense and I haven't really been able to gather my thoughts well enough for another one. Life is just a crazy mess sometimes!

When trials come, I find the best thing to do for me is write, pray, and read my scriptures. Trials come and go but our Savior is always with us, never leaving us to take them on our own. I'm so thankful to know that.

So, the point of this post is to say that I will most likely be going on a mission. The other day I realized that I could technically put my papers in around May/June. CRAZY. Also, Scott can put in his papers soon and he plans to AND Robert will also be doing his. Its all hitting so close that I could be out on a mission, my best friend, my boyfriend, and my brother all at the same time. How cool is that? Very. haha It just makes me think that maybe I am really meant to go on one because school plans have been crumbling since I graduated and maybe I am not meant to do school until after a mission. I have no idea. My PB blessing does say something like what I am meant to do (career wise) will be made known to me in that time. SO. As of now, I am seriously considering going after my childhood goal of going on a mission.

Life is full of decisions, paths, trials, good times, and bad times. Its up to us to make choices, find our way, cherish the good times, and learn from the bad ones. Its important to know that through Him all things are possible and life, no matter how crazy it may be, is great.

Until Then.

Pain.

I have work at 8:15 in the morning and I cannot sleep...even if I tried. My thoughts are so loud I feel like I should be screaming. My heart is so heavy I feel like I'm drowning. My tears are flowing so freely...I feel like this isn't real. 

Some things in life are just plain terrible. Ugly. Horrible  and plainly put...disgusting. I have no words left in me to describe how betrayed I feel from someone who is supposed to be one of the most important people in my life. I've lost all respect, I've lost the close connection we started re-building, I've given up on looking up to this person in any way, and I'm just angry and embarrassed. For the other person involved...I'm disgusted. I don't understand how this can be going on without a thought as to the other people in your lives would feel if this was to blow up. I want to tell you both to stay the hell away from eachother. If only I could.

I can't breathe because now I am not the only one to know about this. You both have subjected someone so dear to me...to your disgusting mess. I hate seeing her hurt, seeing her cry kills me, and seeing her trying to figure out how SHE could "fix" this...makes me sick. Its not her place to even know about this, let alone try to fix it. I've cried countless times over this and I fell apart when I saw that now it cause her to cry as I have.

I feel like I've said too much without even saying much at all. All I want to do is be on my knees praying until this gets worked out. Until this stops. Until these people learn. Until these people get talked to and reprimanded for what they're doing. I need an answer...I feel like I need to do something else besides just put up a front and act like I don't know whats going on.

Now, to Scott, you may never read this but I need to publicly say how thankful I am for YOU. I hate crying especially in front of people. But you came over and got me talking about everything. You got me smiling, you cared for me, and you let me just break down and cry on your shoulder. That means the world to me...I hope you really know that. I can't imagine my life without you by my side. I'm not afraid of what may come as long as you stand beside me. Thank you, with every part of my heart I say thank you. You're a blessing and I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a boyfriend like you.

Until Then.

Boyfriend.

Man. That is going to take me a little bit to get used to saying. Aww, let me just say how happy I am. The Lord truly knows who He should put in each of our lives and I am thankful for that.

We had our first kiss on the 21st and at that moment I completely knew...he was the guy for me.

So on the 26th, I became happily taken away by the greatest guy in the world, Scott. He is truly the best. We were just cuddling and enjoying a night in when he said he had something to say and knew how to say it now. He said the sweetest things about trust, about us, about everything and I wasn't even scared when he was telling me it all. I just wanted him to keep going and get to the part where he asked me to be his girlfriend. haha It got to that part and now I'm happier than ever. Even now I am sitting here grinning like a fool. He just has me so extremely happy. He tells me how lucky he is but really, I am the lucky one. I love holding his hand whenever we're together, kissing him like its the last time I will, talking to him, goodnight messages, and everything else.

I was sick this morning and he brought me a smoothie after church.
He visited me at work just to check on me (and to buy dogfood haha).
AFTER I got off at 9:30 pm, he came over where we then watched "The Notebook" and had pancakes at midnight.

Tell me that isn't the perfect boyfriend...yep, you can't say it. haha Because it wouldn't be true, he is the best.

Life couldn't be better right now. I may not know what lies ahead of me but now I am not afraid of it. I'm not afraid to go for whatever I dream up because I have him by my side. I don't feel so alone through everything I am going through and whats better than that is I know he feels the same. Making him happy is the best thing I can do. His happiness makes me radiate joy and seriously its the greatest.

Until Then.

Our first picture taken together (not as a couple at that time but I love it), last year at the fair.

Busy.

I can't believe I have been neglecting my blog! I was doing so well but now I have been busier than ever. Life has been absolutely crazy lately.

I've been juggling quiet a bit lately. So, I have been working pretty good hours lately. No more 8 hours per week. haha That was ridiculous. I've been kinda dating a friend, not completely serious yet but he makes me feel special. Its nice. (: Then church, hanging out with friends, FHE, and institute...no wonder my energy has been shot. Also. Brian is moving so yet another great friend of mine is going to be gone, as of today, and I still hate goodbyes.

Well, with that, I just feel really quiet lately. I feel like I can’t say enough, can’t say anything to help, or can’t say what I really want to say…so I’m not saying enough. That probably makes no sense but there really is no other way to explain it. I’m having to say goodbye and have said goodbye to some of my closest friends and it makes it hard when I need someone to talk to…to rant, to just let everything out. Times like these, I really miss my best friend. I miss the connections I have had with others. Well, now, I am at a loss for words. So. I will continue just being quiet for now.

Its been kinda hard not to withdrawal more than I have. I feel a little bit like I'm falling apart on the inside. Like, its just one thing after another and I need a break. A break from missing people, from going out...from reality. I kinda went "awol" last week and I'm thinking that's what I need to do again.

I just need to get back on the ground with both my feet planted firmly on it.

Until Then.

Feeling.

I've been staring at this blank page for some time. I feel like writing but everything I feel like writing about is just so scrambled.

I probably should be sleeping because I am exhausted but I just have so many thoughts. Thinking of past memories, of friends, my family, school, and of him.

Why is it so hard to let someone go? Why does it have to hurt so much when I don't even know what this is? Its nothing. I just don't understand why I can't look away even when he isn't looking my direction. Which then makes me not understand the stolen glances between eachother. I just...I can't be her. Thats probably the only thing getting in the way. I'm me. Maybe I am just not good enough to feel that touch again, to be held, and to just be with him. I'm. Not. Her. So once again, I need to move forward. I need to move past this. But how can I let go of this once again when I have held on for so long? Even when I was angry, hurt, and over it...I've come back and that must mean something. Feelings don't resurface for nothing. Or do they?

Whatever happens, if we ever are together or never make it to that, there will always be a place in my heart for him. That little piece of me will stay the same. The "history" and memories are still there. However, time moves forward and so shall I. So come what may.

Until Then.

2012.

“In three words I can sum up what I know about life: It goes on.” — Robert Frost.
It. Goes. On. How amazing. Those three simple words hold so much wisdom. Its great knowing that after this year of trials, of heartache, of people coming and going, of happiness and triumph, and everything else...that is goes on. It goes on to be a new year full of hope and potential.

I hardly have the talent of Robert Frost to just simply sum things up and besides, 2011 was too big to just sum up in a few words. In 2011, I was everywhere. Literally. I grew closer to my best friends, they were my solid ground when I grew weary through the challenges. My best friends went on Missions. One returned and although he should be out there, I'm sure thankful to have him here. I learned to trust even more in Heavenly Father because thats all I could do last year. I grew closer to my family for they are truly the most constant people in my life and I love them dearly. I got rejected from a school I thought was my next move, I got a JOB at Target, I met some great new people, I saw other lives change, I went on a roadtrip with friends, I went to conference, I visited Utah on my own just to see my family, I went to the US Surf Open, I went to the beach in general a lot more than years before, I experienced loss once again with 3 of my dearest pets, I felt feelings deeper for another but also had to get over them over and over again...I got my license, I got into a car accident, and I turned 20.

I learned to live in the moment. I learned to appreciate letters so much more. I learned to get out of my comfort zone. I learned to trust my heart more. I learned even more to speak my mind. I learned to speak up and be honest with things that are going on. I learned, and this is big, that sometimes it is okay to cry...just a little bit. haha I learned that things in life aren't always going to go as planned...because last year was just one beautiful unplanned mess. Seriously. There are definitely two things I learned: Life is messy and Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

So with that. Here is to 2012. Here is to loving more deeply, speaking up, to not fighting feelings anymore, to just going with it, to taking chances, to having more faith, and to being who you truly are each and every day. Here is to accepting that life doesn't always go as planned but being thankful for another day to figure it out. My only New Year's Resolution, so far, is just this: To figure life out. Basically, to continue just finding myself and my place in this world. Maybe this year will bring me love, maybe it will bring more tears, more joy, or new people but I know this. I am not alone in this journey and I am not only enduring but ENJOYing the ride we all call life.

Until Then.

Huge.

This week has just been, to say the least, huge. We'll start with the 25th, Christmas!

It was a great Christmas. We filled each other's stockings this year and that was beyond fun. We watched Mr. Krueger's Christmas, Joy to the World, The Nativity, and so on. It was just a simple and nice Christmas as a family. I loved every minute of Sacrament meeting and the day was just so wonderful. It was definitely the best.

Then on to the 26th. I worked my first 8 hour shift. That was a LONG day. haha But I loved it, it was busy and fast paced. I definitely like my job and felt so thankful to have the opportunity to work the season. Then, like I talked about before, I found out that I was permanent! So I love my job even more. haha

Now the 27th was a HUGE day. I am house sitting so I've been over night there since Christmas. Well I woke up early to go get my hair done with my Mom. She was already going over there so I was going to run home, get my hair pictures haha, and meet her over there. So after I got ready, fed the dog, and whatnot I got ready to head out. They said I could use their car while they were gone so I was going to just use it to go meet with my Mom. So I started home and I didn't get too far before I seriously had the scariest moment of my life. I was going straight and then I just then I saw a car, just barely, coming at me to my right and then it was like the loudest silence before the huge crash. I got hit with the air bag, the seat belt saved my life (I swear by it.), and it was the biggest crashing noises all around me. I had NO idea what to do once that air bag hit me. I was just scared, I was sobbing, literally sobbing and I never do that, and I was shaking SO hard. I was sitting there yelling, 'Oh my gosh' over and over again. A minute later, a cop was opening my door to get me out and out of the intersection.

I pretty much made it to the sidewalk and collapsed in shock. I was saying, 'its not my car', 'I don't know what to do' and so on. Then a lady that lived on the corner came and just held me. She called my Dad for me and everything. She was like my guardian angel right in that moment. She held me together and when my Dad got there I was just so happy to see him. I did go to the hospital because I got a huge burn thing from the seat belt/airbag, my chest was just killing me, bruises on my hips, my nose hurt, my lip was slightly swollen, and my knee was also hurting.

Well, after everything is said and done, the family wasn't even mad I basically totaled their car. I was safe and I haven't been very sore...I even went in to work today (the 29th). I was a little light headed at work from lifting but I was blessed to get a couple of breaks. I just have no words to explain what went through my mind at that moment when I got hit, I don't have enough words to say how thankful I am, I just...am thankful to be here and be so blessed. I just have been keeping a sincere prayer in my heart about everything.

So then, yesterday the 28th, was my birthday. I am now 20, OFFICIALLY an adult. Let me tell you...It feels good. I actually can feel a difference. Maybe its just because I have been through so much as a 19 year old that I feel like I have grown more in the past year than I ever have before. This is huge to me. It really is. I had a great day with my family. We went shopping, went out to dinner, and then came home to watch 'Cowboys and Aliens' while eating cake. I blew out 20 candles yesterday and I couldn't be more excited to start a new chapter in my life. Here is to being 20. Here is to everything. Here is to not taking one moment for granted. He has blessed me in this past year with so much strength and I made it. I couldn't feel happier about that than I feel now.

Until then.

Official.

I had another day where I just felt truly thankful and happy. I was working a long shift today and was told that one of the leaders wanted to see me. So, I finished with the guest and then went to go see what was going on.

Prayers were answered, I am officially a permanent Target employee!! (: I am so beyond excited. It may not be the "best" job but I think its a great job for me. I love it! I love that Target hired me and gave me that oppotunity to prove myself to be a good worker. I am thankful that I have a steady job now. Its a wonderful feeling knowing that I will be saving money for school and for all the things I need. I just feel....responsible and a little more independant.

So, thank you Target. haha This was like an amazing Christmas/Birthday presesnt! :D By the way, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. This is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

Until Then.