Beginning.

So much has happened and I am sad I have let my blog go a little bit. I feel like I've neglected my writing. haha Well, we're about to fix that.

A few things, big things, have happened since I last wrote. A lot of people and myself had to say goodbye to an incredible woman, Debbie. She was seriously an angel. Like, if I had to describe the most amazing woman it would've been her. She was so full of strength and love that even through her trials she was so full of light. I remember her in Young Women's and then before that in Achievement Days. Those were some of my best memories. So she is missed by many but we all know she isn't suffering anymore and is so happy. (:

ALSO! I got a letter from my best friend!! OH my goodness, it was seriously like one of the best days ever. FORreal. So Elder Ryan Johansen is doing great and he is more spiritual than ever. He is just enjoying his mission and all it comes with. It was so great to finally hear back from him so I am working on my letter right now as well. I also had a moment I guess. haha He said in his letter "stay beautiful" and it was like "awwwwwwww" my best friend said I'm beautiful. haha It was the greatest and I can't wait to get mine out and his in return.

Now, for the main even, Lia is home!!! Ah! I got to see her last night and it was like no time had past. We were back to laughing and talking like she had never left. Oh, its so good to finally say hello to someone again instead of goodbye like I have been. It is so great to have one of my best friends in the whole world back. I love it! (: She has made me so proud and I am so thankful for her example to me.

Well, Scott and I are doing just greattttt. He is a prefect gentleman still and I've fallen so hard for him. I even got up to bear my testimony because I promised him I would and I have a testimony but getting up to share it is quite scary. BUT! I knew he was right there and my fear went away allowing the spirit to enter and fill me with the right words and a clear mind. The Lord truly knows who we need in our lives and when. ♥

Lets see. Oh yes, this year I have been called to be a MAC again at Girl's Camp!! I'm so excited. It really is such a blessing to have that opportunity to help girls, grow spiritually, and love every minute of it. I can't even wait. (:

Now, a serious thing that I will only touch on is the car accident I got in back in December. She is saying its my fault and claiming a lot. So, we're working on it. I can only think about how strength is smiling through the struggles and, if you learned anything, thanking the Lord for them after. So through this I may feel as I have lost my voice or my opinion or I may be confused but I know the Lord has control of the situation and it will all work out. It will.

Work is also going just fine. I will be trained to be a team trainer soon for when we hire new people for summer and trained for guest services. That one should be interesting. haha Oh well, I say, bring it on! I'm just wanting to focus on the positive in life and the things I can control versus what the Lord is in control of. This year has already been a big one and it has just begun. (:

Until then.

Valentine's.

OH my goodness. Valentine's day was so fun. I spent most of the day just doing things around the house. Did all my laundry, cleaned the kitchen, snacked on Nutella, and got ready for the night because I had a date. (:

So the other night I had to sign (Yuko too) a "contract" for this Valentine's Day date. Well, it had me a little worried to be honest. haha But it was funniest and cutest thing. Scott picked me up close to 5 and we headed over to Dylan's to meet up with them. Once we were all there, we took off...Yuko and I were still clueless. WELL. We ended up at a Salvation Army in Perris (or Riverside...I didn't know where we were. haha) This is when they told us we'd be picking outfits for them and they would be doing the same for us...we would then continue to put each other's picks on and wear them for the night. Needless to say, Yuko and I were not thrilled...in any way. haha We didn't know what to choose because there wasn't a huge selection for guys and they were all boring. We just went with getting them vests (and soon regretted that we only got them those). Scott got me this disgusting green tank top turtle neck, with an old patterned jacket, a camo hat (so gross), and what appeared to be a shiny-pink-race-car-looking-jacket. That pink thing turned out to be like a Halloween costume that I had to put my legs through and put on. SO UGLY. hahaha It was awful! I won't lie, I was a little peeved. haha I mean it was a hilarious idea and way interesting...but I worked hard on picking the right outfit out for the night. haha Then Yuko had this little girl looking striped t-shirt, an old lady hat, and this floral jacket with HUGE sleeves. haha It was just not good.

We then proceeded to go to dinner...looking like we did. We went to this little hole in the wall restaurant for some 'italian' food. It was really good! I enjoyed it. (: After that we ended up at Fiesta Village for some lazer tag. (Mind you, we still look ridiculous and yes, we got a lot of weird looks.) Scott and I KILLED it. haha We so won that with a score of 4,025. :D It was pretty fun. Now one of the best parts happened after that...Dylan said we could change back for the next event. SO. Exciting. You may ask why we just refused to wear those outfits. Well you see, we were under that "contract". haha It was a pretty legit thing. Anyways. We changed in the car on the way to our next event.

The next event was seeing..."The Vow"! OH my, I was excited. (and rightfully so, the movie was AMAZING!!) We got there a little early so Scott and I went and took pictures in the photo booth there, that was funny. haha Scott was so confused as to where to look and whatnot, it was so cute. haha We then went to walk around, get our tickets, and go in the theater. We were still too early to go sit so me and Scott went and played a hunting game (where you shoot dinos...ahaha). THEN, Scott plays a claw game which I swear don't work, until now, because he won an i-pod shuffle. Yep. haha We went back to the line to talk and then finally it was time to go in. Scott got me some Hot Tamales, the sure way to my heart. haha We watched the movie which like I said before was amazing. I loved it. (: Then went back home. Said goodnight to Dylan and Yuko then went off to have some time together. It was such a great day/night. That's forsure.

It may have started out rocky with the whole outfit thing BUT it was an all around good time. I won't soon forget it, nor would I want to. I have the greatest boyfriend...I really do.

Until Then.

p.s. We have plans for today too! :D

Mission.

I feel like my last post was just way intense and I haven't really been able to gather my thoughts well enough for another one. Life is just a crazy mess sometimes!

When trials come, I find the best thing to do for me is write, pray, and read my scriptures. Trials come and go but our Savior is always with us, never leaving us to take them on our own. I'm so thankful to know that.

So, the point of this post is to say that I will most likely be going on a mission. The other day I realized that I could technically put my papers in around May/June. CRAZY. Also, Scott can put in his papers soon and he plans to AND Robert will also be doing his. Its all hitting so close that I could be out on a mission, my best friend, my boyfriend, and my brother all at the same time. How cool is that? Very. haha It just makes me think that maybe I am really meant to go on one because school plans have been crumbling since I graduated and maybe I am not meant to do school until after a mission. I have no idea. My PB blessing does say something like what I am meant to do (career wise) will be made known to me in that time. SO. As of now, I am seriously considering going after my childhood goal of going on a mission.

Life is full of decisions, paths, trials, good times, and bad times. Its up to us to make choices, find our way, cherish the good times, and learn from the bad ones. Its important to know that through Him all things are possible and life, no matter how crazy it may be, is great.

Until Then.

Pain.

I have work at 8:15 in the morning and I cannot sleep...even if I tried. My thoughts are so loud I feel like I should be screaming. My heart is so heavy I feel like I'm drowning. My tears are flowing so freely...I feel like this isn't real. 

Some things in life are just plain terrible. Ugly. Horrible  and plainly put...disgusting. I have no words left in me to describe how betrayed I feel from someone who is supposed to be one of the most important people in my life. I've lost all respect, I've lost the close connection we started re-building, I've given up on looking up to this person in any way, and I'm just angry and embarrassed. For the other person involved...I'm disgusted. I don't understand how this can be going on without a thought as to the other people in your lives would feel if this was to blow up. I want to tell you both to stay the hell away from eachother. If only I could.

I can't breathe because now I am not the only one to know about this. You both have subjected someone so dear to me...to your disgusting mess. I hate seeing her hurt, seeing her cry kills me, and seeing her trying to figure out how SHE could "fix" this...makes me sick. Its not her place to even know about this, let alone try to fix it. I've cried countless times over this and I fell apart when I saw that now it cause her to cry as I have.

I feel like I've said too much without even saying much at all. All I want to do is be on my knees praying until this gets worked out. Until this stops. Until these people learn. Until these people get talked to and reprimanded for what they're doing. I need an answer...I feel like I need to do something else besides just put up a front and act like I don't know whats going on.

Now, to Scott, you may never read this but I need to publicly say how thankful I am for YOU. I hate crying especially in front of people. But you came over and got me talking about everything. You got me smiling, you cared for me, and you let me just break down and cry on your shoulder. That means the world to me...I hope you really know that. I can't imagine my life without you by my side. I'm not afraid of what may come as long as you stand beside me. Thank you, with every part of my heart I say thank you. You're a blessing and I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a boyfriend like you.

Until Then.

Boyfriend.

Man. That is going to take me a little bit to get used to saying. Aww, let me just say how happy I am. The Lord truly knows who He should put in each of our lives and I am thankful for that.

We had our first kiss on the 21st and at that moment I completely knew...he was the guy for me.

So on the 26th, I became happily taken away by the greatest guy in the world, Scott. He is truly the best. We were just cuddling and enjoying a night in when he said he had something to say and knew how to say it now. He said the sweetest things about trust, about us, about everything and I wasn't even scared when he was telling me it all. I just wanted him to keep going and get to the part where he asked me to be his girlfriend. haha It got to that part and now I'm happier than ever. Even now I am sitting here grinning like a fool. He just has me so extremely happy. He tells me how lucky he is but really, I am the lucky one. I love holding his hand whenever we're together, kissing him like its the last time I will, talking to him, goodnight messages, and everything else.

I was sick this morning and he brought me a smoothie after church.
He visited me at work just to check on me (and to buy dogfood haha).
AFTER I got off at 9:30 pm, he came over where we then watched "The Notebook" and had pancakes at midnight.

Tell me that isn't the perfect boyfriend...yep, you can't say it. haha Because it wouldn't be true, he is the best.

Life couldn't be better right now. I may not know what lies ahead of me but now I am not afraid of it. I'm not afraid to go for whatever I dream up because I have him by my side. I don't feel so alone through everything I am going through and whats better than that is I know he feels the same. Making him happy is the best thing I can do. His happiness makes me radiate joy and seriously its the greatest.

Until Then.

Our first picture taken together (not as a couple at that time but I love it), last year at the fair.

Busy.

I can't believe I have been neglecting my blog! I was doing so well but now I have been busier than ever. Life has been absolutely crazy lately.

I've been juggling quiet a bit lately. So, I have been working pretty good hours lately. No more 8 hours per week. haha That was ridiculous. I've been kinda dating a friend, not completely serious yet but he makes me feel special. Its nice. (: Then church, hanging out with friends, FHE, and institute...no wonder my energy has been shot. Also. Brian is moving so yet another great friend of mine is going to be gone, as of today, and I still hate goodbyes.

Well, with that, I just feel really quiet lately. I feel like I can’t say enough, can’t say anything to help, or can’t say what I really want to say…so I’m not saying enough. That probably makes no sense but there really is no other way to explain it. I’m having to say goodbye and have said goodbye to some of my closest friends and it makes it hard when I need someone to talk to…to rant, to just let everything out. Times like these, I really miss my best friend. I miss the connections I have had with others. Well, now, I am at a loss for words. So. I will continue just being quiet for now.

Its been kinda hard not to withdrawal more than I have. I feel a little bit like I'm falling apart on the inside. Like, its just one thing after another and I need a break. A break from missing people, from going out...from reality. I kinda went "awol" last week and I'm thinking that's what I need to do again.

I just need to get back on the ground with both my feet planted firmly on it.

Until Then.

Feeling.

I've been staring at this blank page for some time. I feel like writing but everything I feel like writing about is just so scrambled.

I probably should be sleeping because I am exhausted but I just have so many thoughts. Thinking of past memories, of friends, my family, school, and of him.

Why is it so hard to let someone go? Why does it have to hurt so much when I don't even know what this is? Its nothing. I just don't understand why I can't look away even when he isn't looking my direction. Which then makes me not understand the stolen glances between eachother. I just...I can't be her. Thats probably the only thing getting in the way. I'm me. Maybe I am just not good enough to feel that touch again, to be held, and to just be with him. I'm. Not. Her. So once again, I need to move forward. I need to move past this. But how can I let go of this once again when I have held on for so long? Even when I was angry, hurt, and over it...I've come back and that must mean something. Feelings don't resurface for nothing. Or do they?

Whatever happens, if we ever are together or never make it to that, there will always be a place in my heart for him. That little piece of me will stay the same. The "history" and memories are still there. However, time moves forward and so shall I. So come what may.

Until Then.

2012.

“In three words I can sum up what I know about life: It goes on.” — Robert Frost.
It. Goes. On. How amazing. Those three simple words hold so much wisdom. Its great knowing that after this year of trials, of heartache, of people coming and going, of happiness and triumph, and everything else...that is goes on. It goes on to be a new year full of hope and potential.

I hardly have the talent of Robert Frost to just simply sum things up and besides, 2011 was too big to just sum up in a few words. In 2011, I was everywhere. Literally. I grew closer to my best friends, they were my solid ground when I grew weary through the challenges. My best friends went on Missions. One returned and although he should be out there, I'm sure thankful to have him here. I learned to trust even more in Heavenly Father because thats all I could do last year. I grew closer to my family for they are truly the most constant people in my life and I love them dearly. I got rejected from a school I thought was my next move, I got a JOB at Target, I met some great new people, I saw other lives change, I went on a roadtrip with friends, I went to conference, I visited Utah on my own just to see my family, I went to the US Surf Open, I went to the beach in general a lot more than years before, I experienced loss once again with 3 of my dearest pets, I felt feelings deeper for another but also had to get over them over and over again...I got my license, I got into a car accident, and I turned 20.

I learned to live in the moment. I learned to appreciate letters so much more. I learned to get out of my comfort zone. I learned to trust my heart more. I learned even more to speak my mind. I learned to speak up and be honest with things that are going on. I learned, and this is big, that sometimes it is okay to cry...just a little bit. haha I learned that things in life aren't always going to go as planned...because last year was just one beautiful unplanned mess. Seriously. There are definitely two things I learned: Life is messy and Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

So with that. Here is to 2012. Here is to loving more deeply, speaking up, to not fighting feelings anymore, to just going with it, to taking chances, to having more faith, and to being who you truly are each and every day. Here is to accepting that life doesn't always go as planned but being thankful for another day to figure it out. My only New Year's Resolution, so far, is just this: To figure life out. Basically, to continue just finding myself and my place in this world. Maybe this year will bring me love, maybe it will bring more tears, more joy, or new people but I know this. I am not alone in this journey and I am not only enduring but ENJOYing the ride we all call life.

Until Then.